Be afraid. Be very afraid. Get your guns. Stock up on supplies. Head for a rural area and barricade yourself in. The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. As you may recall from George Romero’s 1968 cult classic Night of the Living Dead, the only explanation of the “flesh eating maniacs” is that a government satellite fell to earth. Jump forward to the present day: last night our government shot down a satellite, because something about it was toxic – the hydrazine fuel tank. Now just maybe the explosion blew up the toxic chemicals, but most likely the debris that fell to earth last night is still covered in the toxic chemicals and as you read this, re-animated corpses are tearing into the flesh of their former loved ones. You may also remember from Return of the Living Dead that it was a toxic government chemical (2-4-5 Trioxen gas) that created “the problem”. Hydrozine fuel / 2-4-5 Trioxen gas – what’s the difference? Not to mention last night was a lunar eclipse. A sure sign of the apocalypse. So hopefully you’ve already read the Zombie Survival Guide and have your plan in place. It may already be too late.
After the jump, a quick list of things to keep you safe.
- Destroying the brain is the only way to stop a zombie.
- The body rising out of the coffin is no longer your Uncle Jed. He is a flesh-eating zombie. Don’t let Aunt Suzie near him, he’s just going to bite her and now you’ll have two zombies to contend with.
- If you’re bitten, do your family and friends a favor and shoot yourself in the head. Yes the head – otherwise you’ll come back as a zombie and eat them. If you don’t take your own life, you’re forcing someone to have to kill you. Do you really want to put your friends through that?
You have all been warned!
– Jason Bryan