So today Donald Trump received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and in the process managed to spin the entire self-serving process into something even more vulgar and outrageous than it normally is. Where most celebs would settle for a few kind words from Hollywood’s self-anointed Mayor-For-Life, Lilliputian parking-lot mogul Johnny Grant (he of the tiny stature and the oversized dentures), Donald turned the modestly attended sidewalk press conference into a Hollywood tent revival meeting, with celebs, industry bigwigs, and politicos all elbowing each other for the chance to testify about the amazing healing power of Donald’s friendship. Like a string of born-again preachers, Jay Leno, Larry King, and The Apprentice producer Mark Burnett each bounded on stage to share anecdotes about how Donald was the bestest BFF a boy could have, a real-life God walking this very earth, with the power to make dreams come true (which was the basic gist of Burnett’s not-fuckin-likely yarn about how Donald got The Apprentice off the ground AND created its dopey catchphrase in a single, awe-inspiring meeting) or cast unwary enemies into a fiery pit of negative press from which they’ll never recover (a point awkwardly hammered home by basically everybody). While no one mentioned Rosie O’Donnell by name, you can be pretty sure that’s who they were talking about.

By the time Donald Himself finally graced the stage, the crowd of mid-winter tourists had thinned considerably, leaving a few dozen online press members and a network news pool camera. Donald made a few self-effacing jokes, most of which were lost in the roar of a passing fleet of firetrucks, leaving the audience with nothing to do but stare at Donald’s tan, puckered starfish of a mouth-hole and wonder when Posh and Becks were coming to town to relieve them from this bland, unexciting excuse for a celebrity.

– Chris May