Let’s go shoe shopping! Your treat! I have a birthday or something coming up soon. Probably. I’ve done most of the legwork already. I see a number of options on the Nordstrom’s website. All wildly expensive, as I’ve mentioned, and kiiiiiind of hideous – in the way that only Gucci can be fabulous and awful at the same time. It’s completely your choice which you want to buy me, though. I promise. Let’s  peruse our options.

#1.

The first is Gucci’s “Ilse Sock Sandal,” which, at just $1,190 is a STEAL. Writes Nordstroms:

Add a little something extra to your look with a streamlined take on the sock-with-sandals trend that highlights glossy finishes and luscious red leather.

It vaguely looks like somebody amputated the foot of a blow-up sex doll, but I suppose that’s the appeal. What do you think? Is it for me?

#2.

Yes, the “Gucci Gladiator Loafer” is officially a THING. And while I gasped in horror when I saw it, it’s slowly growing on me. Like a fungus. But I reeeeeeeeally think I need it for summer. At $1,890 it’s the priciest of the three. So there’s that to think of when purchasing it for me. Am I worth it?

and finally #3

The Peggy platform sneaker by Gucci. It’s only $950, which makes it the obvious choice, but I have to say it’s my least favorite option. And let me explain why: Sure it’s pretty rad, and back in the day I would have thrown my granny off the balcony for a pair. But I’ve done platform sneakers before. I practically lived in them in the ’90s. And you know the rule: If you’ve experienced a trend the first time around, you can’t revisit when it’s revived. Otherwise it would look like I’m just one of those tragic old people stuck in the decade they were last fabulous in. So, if you MUST get these for me, I’ll smile and say thank you, but secretly wish you bought me one of the other ones.

So which will it be?