Last night I lined up with every other queen on the block to see Superman Returns, and we weren’t disappointed: it’s the gayest movie of the summer! Here’s my 2 cents:

KEVIN SPACEY: The campest Lex Luthor ever, full of queeny lip curls and bitchy sarcasm.

Rating: GAY GAY GAY

PARKER POSEY: Steals every scene she’s in in a whirlwind of fur and pearls, with a fluffy Pomeranian clutched permanently to her breast.

Rating: PRETTY DAMN GAY

BRANDON ROUTH: Never mind speculation over the actor’s sexuality; visually the new Superman is the queerest thing this side of Krypton. With thick foundation caked on his chiseled face and cheap blue Claire’s Accessories contact lenses (this movie has the NASTIEST makeup), you half expect Superman to get frosted highlights in his trademark black lacquered hair at any moment.

Rating: GAYER THAN A CLAY AIKEN CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

THE BULGE: All post-movie talk was of the digitally de-bulged red Y-fronts, so expect “I’ve been digitally de-bulged” to become the new “it’s cold in here” for short-cocked men of the world.

Rating: DOES THIS YELLOW BELT LOOK TOO GAY?

VERDICT: Superman is gayer than your gay uncle in Gaysville. Go see!

– Steven Corfe

(Now read this)