HOW NOT TO DRESS FOR A BALL: Do you look like you are going out clubbing? Do you look like you're going to the prom? If you answered "yes" to either question, you get a fashion FAIL. Chloe Sevigney in Miu Miu, and Julianne Hough in Carolina Herrera. Both SHAMEFUL. Just SHAMEFUL.
Two other questions you must ask yourself: Do I look like a high-priced call girl? Is my dress on backwards? Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vaccerello) and Hanneli Mustaparta (in Calvin Klein) have some serious thinking to do about who they are and how they wish to be perceived.
How are your boobs doing? If it looks like you have four, you might want to reconsider your dress. I'm looking at you Donna Karan. If they look limp and lifeleless and in need of support, it doesn't matter how vivid the dress, you'll look like a dried-up old fishwife, Diane Kruger.
Hair issues: Bruno, Bruno, Bruno. You're killing me, man. What's with the 'fro? You, sir, are not Lenny Kravitz. Don't even go there. You're a handsome man, and now you look like Wanda Sykes. And Jessica Biel. Comb that hair off your face and put on some damn lipstick. You look like a sulky teenager. Just stop it.
Emma Stone in my LEAST FAVORITE look of the night, in a dress from what I assume is the Arco Dolls of the World collection. And Stella Tennant, just because the label says Chanel, doesn't mean it's pretty, and doesn't make it appropriate for the ball.
Jonelle Monae, we need to talk. I get that your "thing" is pants and panted suits and menswear WITH A TWIST. That's very progressive of you. *Rolls eyes.* But this isn't working for me. It's the fabric. Satin can be a mess. It creases. It wrinkles. It bunches up. Think it through next time. Gwyneth knows. There's not a wrinkle on her dress. Her dress is a dream. IF SHE WAS ON THE GO-GO BLOCK AT JUMBO'S CLOWN ROOM! Once again: It's a BALL, people! A BALL! There are so few instances in modern life anymore where it's appropriate, nay EXPECTED, of you to dress to the nines, to give it all ya got. This is one of them. Wear a long gown. Wear your big jewels. Go to the hairdresser. Do it right, for God's sake. I know you were raised better than this, Gwynnie. But you've embarressed yourself and ME.
