FROM THE THINGS-THAT-SOUND-REALLY-FUNNY-WHEN-YOU’RE-HIGH DEPARTMENT #247: Dressing up as Paris Hilton in the wake of a new scandal.

Jiggly jillionaire Jason Davis

Now, I’m sure you were probably rolling on the floor the night before, at the very suggestion. But Jason, Jason, Jason, please go back and read my letter again. I specifically said no more wacky outfits. And when I said “big is beautiful – embrace it,” that was not a free pass to let your whale gut wobble in the wind. Pull it together man. This is a desperate cry for help. If you keep this up, you are not invited to the wedding.