Went to the Kaiju Big Battel last night at Avalon. According to the program: “The Kaiju Big Battel is a mixture of monstrous chaos and genetic disaster, a phantasmagoric population of crossbred animals, nomadic minerals, virtuous vegetables, aggravating extraterrestrials, and braggart beasts.” Think Mexican wrestling meets Japanese movie monsters meets Gwar meets Days of Our Lives. It. Was. Completely. Insane.
But that’s not the story.
Afterwards, I stumbled over to Spotlight. Spotlight, is, of course, officially the ninth circle of Hell. It’s a tweaker den filled with one-eyed, toothless hustlers and drag queens in wheelchairs – you know the scene. I just go to play the Trivia Whiz machine. I SAID: I JUST GO THERE TO PLAY THE TRIVIA WHIZ MACHINE. At any rate, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, who do I see at the first table but JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, JOHN WATERS, SELMA BLAIR and AHMET ZAPPA! Maybe not Ahmet Zappa. My eyes were so blinded by the beauty that is Johnny Knoxville that the cast of EVERWOOD could have been masturbating onstage and I wouldn’t have noticed.
I went over to say hello. Now, I’ve met John Waters a number of times, and know him AT LEAST as well as I know, say, Liza Minnelli or Vin Diesel. That is, I should get a “Darling! Mwah! Mwah!” and then move along. John was cordial (“hellohowareyou”) then immediately turned his attention back to Johnny Knoxville. I was vaguely insulted, but figured- Johnny Knoxville! He was sitting next to Johnny Knoxville! Why would he want to make small talk with me?
Selma was a doll. She gave me a big hug. I knew Selma from when I used to work at Book Soup. True story: She was the only celebrity who didn’t buy picture books. She would come in every week, clutching her New York Times Book Review, ask our opinions, ask what we were reading, buy a dozen books, then COME BACK AND DISCUSS THEM! Well, we were all in love with her for that. So she’s forever a goddess in my book.
Then I went and played trivia whiz. NO REALLY: I WENT AND PLAYED TRIVIA WHIZ. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.