#1- HOLY CRAP that was an ugly sweater Ryan was wearing! SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD where would you even find something that horrible? Between the spirograph twister on the chest and the psycho-scrawl on the sleeve, well I wouldn’t know where to begin. It was a mess. GET A STYLIST, BOTOX-BOY. AND STOP DRESSING YOURSELF. YOU’RE MAKING PAULA LOOK POSITIVELY CLASSY IN COMPARISON.
#2- CONSTANTINE. Yes, you might suspect he’s secretly gay, if you’re like me and suspect that ALL smouldering cheeseballs are gay. But we have it on good authority that he’s quite the lady’s man. I find that hard to believe. In fact, last night’s performance leaves little doubt that the only person Constantine really loves is Constantine. BUT WOW. What a fantastic rendition of FUNNY VALENTINE. I GROANED when he said he was going to do it, but then he really knocked my socks off. SO YEAH – I’d do him. I’d even lick his pits.
#3- POOR LITTLE ANTHONY FEDEROV. WHY must they always pick on my baby? What has he done to incur their wrath? Every week Simon just EVISCERATES him. It’s painful to watch. STOP THE HATERATION, PEOPLE. Can’t you see the poor, little thing CHOKING BACK THE TEARS? And it’s not fair. He’s absolutely adorable. He sings like an angel. OK – his choices are spotty. That was an…odd… rendition of CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN. I’ve never heard it sung VEGAS-STYLE. But whatever. Anthony, baby, you sing whatever you want. I’ll take care of you, baby. Come climb THIS mountain, bitch. Yes, yes, everything will be alright. I’ve already forgotten old WHATSISNAME – you know, the loser-dropout with the gooey brown eyes. It’s all about you now, baby. And I’m sure there are lots of other FED-HEADS out there, like me. Maybe we should organize a protest against the way they’re treating you.
#4- This has nothing to do with American Idol- but that Burger King is really scary. The way he’s always just WAITING there when you wake up. In your bed. Outside your window. In your car. That’s some REALLY, REALLY disturbing imagery, yo. I imagine kids everywhere are just traumatized by those commercials. I know I am.