I have a Big Birthday coming up, have I mentioned it, yet? Yes, well, it’s barreling down on me. Any day now, so I’m told. And I’m planning some MAJOR LIFE CHANGES. For instance: I’m going to start wearing a darker shade of foundation. It’s true. Also: I plan to accessorize more (as old women do) and moisturize EVERY DAY (a tip I got from Redbook magazine). Then I’m going to switch from Days of Our Lives to As the World Turns.
I know, I know, all this seems totally out of the blue, and everybody’s all, like, “MY GOD, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” and “HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF THE CONSEQUENCES?”
Well, it’s just time to do it, that’s all. I need to change with the times and DAYS OF OUR LIVES SUCKS. Right? Right? And after this week, when Jack came back from the dead for the FOURTH TIME IN AS MANY YEARS (if you count the ledge in the jungle) and then JUST HAPPENED to bump into his ALSO-presumed-dead brother (separate storyline, amnesia, don’t ask) and the two of them JUST DECIDED to, la-dee-da, stop by a random church that he didn’t know his wife was getting married in THAT VERY DAY, and they just happened to stumble in AT THE VERY MOMENT OF “I DO” – well, it was just a bit much. They JUST CROSSED A LINE, in my book.
And let’s face it: I’m still angry with them over the whole Salem Stalker fiasco. They never explained how if everybody was really still alive and being held captive on the fake island of Salem, why were their ghosts haunting the real Salem? And giving expository dialogue that couldn’t have been fantasy fulfillment on the part of whoever saw them? And does that mean Celeste’s powers are fake? HELLO! I’M NOT STUPID!
Oh and don’t EVEN get me started on the stillborn fetus Billie buried in the swamp who turned out to be Chelsea….
So, I started channel surfing during the really insufferable parts (i.e. EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY SHOW) and that’s when I discovered THIS. Him. My future husband. The only boy I’ll ever love. The quiver-lipped Bambi-boy of my dreams. Really, truly, THE CUTEST BOY IN THE WORLD. Now, I’ve watched Days of Our Lives for 15 years, but one day with this kid and I’m an ATWT queen. Sign me up. I’m comin’ aboard. His name is Luke, see, and he’s gay. And blonde. And oh-so-tortured. And you know how I love a good, tortured boy. AND THIS ONE! ERRRRAUUGH! Well, I could just curl up on that upper lip of his, and nestle there forever… Oh, I just want to hug him and hold him and squeeze him and pet him and can I keep him, huh, George? Can I? Huh? (And for the love of GOD, don’t throw that Brandon blob in my face, and tell me you’ve been down this road with me before. I WON’T HEAR OF IT. THIS IS DIFFRERENT. This one can’t disappoint me like the others.)
So here’s what’s happening here in the video: he’s come out to the kids at school, and they’re all, like, “Hey. Cool. Whatever. Who’re you taking to the dance?” (As kids are nowadays.) But it’s HIS MOTHER, see, the town saint, who’s having a problem with it, wondering how she failed him, BLAH BLAH BLAH, and she secretly tries to trick him into going to “straight camp” to get “deprogrammed.” Well, soon enough, she sees the error of her ways and the two meet on the stairs (never a good sign for a pregnant woman)… and that’s all you need to know to watch this scene.
You have to sit through the first four minutes and 40 seconds to get to the good stuff, but this boy is so cute and tragic that you can just get lost in his little puppy dog expression and the time will fly by, trust me. THE LAST TWO MINUTES ARE FABULOUS, THOUGH. OMG – HIS LITTLE LOOK OF TERROR AS HIS MOTHER FALLS, AND FALLS, AND FALLS SOME MORE, DOWN THE LONGEST FLIGHT OF STAIRS IN SOAP HISTORY…. Oh, just PLEASE promise me you’ll stick with it through to the very end, then tell me you aren’t hooked.
Well, he deserves a daytime Emmy for that, don’t you think? At the very LEAST a GLAAD Award – can we start the write-in ballots now? Who do we know on the advisory board? Can someone get on this ASAP?
Well, he’s just the MOST, to say the LEAST. I’m SO IN LOVE. HE AND I WILL BE TOGETHER. AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. So for my forties, I think, it’s all about me and Luke, wearing darker foundation and gobs of Chanel chains around our necks. (And, by he way, how much do we love YouTube, for being able to type in “Lily falls down stairs”—AND GET IT! This world is fantastic! I’m so glad to be alive.)
– James St. James