VAN HANSIS! VAN HANSIS! Well, he’s only THE CUTEST BOY EVER! Only the ONLY BOY I’LL EVER LOVE! He plays the sweet, tortured homo Luke Snyder, don’t you know, on As the World Turns – and exciting things are about to happen! YES! There’s going to be some HOT BOI-ON-BOI ACTION on daytime TV! First, though, let’s recap the action, leading up to it:

You might recall: Last summer, Luke’s usually saintlike mother, Lilly, was having a hard time accepting his homosexuality, and tried to send him off to straight camp for “reprogramming.” THAT DIDN’T END WELL, remember? After a few months in a coma, she finally CAME AROUND AND APOLOGIZED for the way she had been acting.

Then, as the writers and producers wondered what to do with a hot gay boi, once he was out of the closet, poor Van was reduced to little more than an extra. His airtime shrunk to one or two lines a month – because we all know that a gay boi who does anything REMOTELY GAY, might disturb the viewers. It’s not like over on All My Children where the resident lesbian Bianca (or “LesBianca” as the fans have so sensitively dubbed her) can fall for the local pre-op transsexual rockstar (RIIIIIIIIIGHT…) – because YOU KNOW how those lesbians are… always falling in love with DRAG QUEENS and such….they don’t care if it’s A GOAT, as long as it’s in a SKIRT! HUBBA HUBBA! AM I RIGHT, LADIES? OMG, don’t get me STARTED. (And All My Children is winning GLAAD awards for that crap – WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?)

So, like I was saying: There was precious little for Luke Snyder to do (except be there for his 10-year-old sister who’s ADDICTED TO LAXITIVES – which is SO not disturbing AT ALL…). That is, until viewers were treated to THIS TOUCHING SCENE between Luke and his father, Holden. And, oh, doesn’t it just make you want to cry? That poor, wonderful dad, trying SO HARD to be there for his son, and saying all the right things, and yet somehow just making everything worse. And yet, I think every gay boy in America wishes his dad would try so hard… SO GOD BLESS HOLDEN, HUH? AND GOD BLESS AS THE WORLD TURNS! AND GOD BLESS 2007!

Anyway: The big take-away point from this scene is when Luke mentions – DING! DING! DING! – that there’s ANOTHER gay boy at his school! And BELLS & WHISTLES go off in every soap fan’s head because RULE # 1: NOTHING IS EVER JUST CASUALLY MENTIONED ON A SOAP OPERA. Then, when Luke says those magic words, “BUT HE’S NOT MY TYPE…” well, a hundred thousand soap queens flopped to the floor in ecstasy because that means, well, OF COURSE, he’s JUST his type, exactly! Because RULE #2 OF SOAPS: IF TWO CHARACTERS DON’T GET ALONG WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, THEY ARE DESTINED TO BE EACH OTHER’S SOULMATES!

So: LUKE IS GETTING A BOYFRIEND! LUKE IS GETTING A BOYFRIEND! And so far we know his name will be Noah, and that he will be played by THIS GUY, and we know that his first airdate will be May 31! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! WHEEEEEEE! NOW, I’m a little concerned. This actor doesn’t appear to be hot enough for my boy, Van. I was hoping he would look a bit more like THIS. But whatever. Here’s looking forward to some great hand-holding scenes, and maybe a few shirtless back-rubs, while the audience gets used to the idea, and THEN JUST GIVE US A FUCKING KISS, PROCTOR & GAMBLE, JUST LET US HAVE IT! DON’T BACK OFF THIS ONE OR, BY GOD, I WILL LEAD THE PROTEST! YOU WILL PAY, IF YOU DON’T DELIVER.

– James St. James