So I watched this Super Bowl thing last night, that I just happened upon while channel surfing. I found it slow and confusing and I doubt it will get picked up again for next year. Now, I used to work in development so I know a thing or two about what people look for in a television program. Let me just say, first of all: There was too much plot, too much exposition, and not enough character development. Oh, and the whole subplot about the coach was muddled and got lost in all the action. (And way too much action, by the way. Context, people, context!)
Here are some specific ideas about how to make it more TV-friendly:
• Format it more like a reality show. Yes! Have elimination rounds! Maybe a confessional booth where the players can go and talk about their feelings, or bitch about the other players! THAT’S money in the bank!
• Have it hosted by Ryan Seacrest! The guy is a ratings supernova.
• Get rid of the commercials – they really weigh it down. You might want to move it to Showtime or HBO, if they’ll have it – anywhere it can be commercial-free.
• Detroit? Um, ew. I’m thinking Palau Island or the Australian Outback – someplace sexy, where the guys will shed their clothes.
• Bring in Paris Hilton. People really seem to like her.
• Replace the cheerleaders with male strippers. SURE! Make it more gay-friendly. Gays are all the rage this year. Throw in a few Brokeback references. I’m telling ya…
• What’s all this nonsense about the Rolling Stones? People want hot, current chart toppers. They want someone young and sexy they can relate to. Someone like a Janet Jackson or a Justin Timberlake. Um, what? Oh.
(Photo: Steeler Ben Roethlisberger)
Clearly, they need to cast this thing better, too. There were no real cum-muffins in either bunch. The high point of the show was seeing Tom Brady walk out on the field during the pre-show, and it was all down hill from there. YES! I thought for a hot second that Ben Hasselbeck might do the trick, but, um, then he took off his helmet. GROOOSS! Ben Roethlisberger was as good as it got, and he just looked like one of those generic fag-bashers from New Bedford, Mass. So what are you gonna do? My suggestion: Make a whole team comprised of those Tom Brady clones from the Visa commercial! OMG, YES! A whole team of Tom Bradys!
About those commercials: I really liked the Sprint one where the guy threw the phone at the other guy as “a crime deterrent,” and, YES, the Fed Ex was funny, but my favorite was the Burger King musical number, that rated lowest on everybody’s lists this morning. They must not have polled many drag queens, because every queen I know was salivating over those onion skirts and tomato dresses. You know: I went through a vegetable phase in the ’80s, so it was very nostalgic for me. There was a costume rental place located in Times Square, called Animal and Vegetable Outfits for People Inc, that was just my absolute favorite shopping destination! Oh! The artichokes and carrots and beaded brussel sprouts! Well, it really took me back.
– James St. James