Because no one else was asking, I thought I’d ask myself a few random, burning questions, just to see if I had anything interesting to say.
Well, I have this new goatee, you know. I thought a little manly facial hair might help me get laid. Sure! Get me some of that “whisker action,” like Colin Farell! I’m not sure if it’s working for me or not, though. For one thing, it grew in white. WHITE? Ew. What’s up with THAT? And not a sexy “wizard” white either. Not like Gandolf or Merlin. Nothing so mysterious. Instead, it’s more of a “mall Santa” white. So, anyway, I’m giving the whole look another two weeks to become suddenly sexy, then we’ll see.
Why haven’t you been blogging lately?
Well, I’m knee-deep in the middle of re-writes for my book, and it’s occupying my every last brain cell. Here’s what happened: We decided (meaning: my editor decided) to trash the entire last 100 or so pages, and take the book in a whole new direction. That means the last-minute, surprise gang-bang by garbage men and hobos that leaves the main character a bloody corpse by the side of the road is now OUT, and INSTEAD the main character is voted prom queen, buys a puppy, and everybody has Pecan Sandies and punch. YAY. (I’m only half-kidding.)
What’s your daily schedule these days?
Sleep 14-16 hours, wake up, think about Googling myself, remember I don’t have internet access, resolve to get internet access, sob, masturbate, lie face down on floor, watch Days of Our Lives, General Hospital, and Oprah, eat a bag of Milano cookies, agonize over not writing and not going to the gym, stare at goatee in mirror, wonder if it might get me laid, look in closet and wonder what I would wear if someone invited me somewhere, read Soap Opera Digest, panic that I haven’t started writing yet and it’s already time for Gilmore Girls…. Well, you get the drift.
Who are you crushing on right now?
Oh, Jack Abramoff, of course. What a muffin, huh? Hubba hubba! I’d take a Scottish vacation with him anytime! He’s going to make someone a fine prison bitch, yes sir. ALSO: Brandon Routh! WOW, he looked yummy at the Golden Globes, didn’t he? 30 seconds on camera, and I’m already thinking: Tom Welling WHO? OH! And Jonathon Rhys-Meyers – WHOOEEEE! Have you SEEN Match Point yet? He’s SUCH a gay porn star! YES! Just a big old juicy piece of street trash! Those lips! Those eyebrows! And is it just me, or did he seem coked OUT OF HIS MIND when he won the Golden Globe? It makes me think he’d be up for some sick, sweaty sex in a sling, with a couple of trannies, a speculum, and maybe a big old bumpy summer squash.
Who are you totally over?
Chad Michael Murray. Not diggin’ that new ‘do, dude.
Do you have a favorite video right now?
Omgomgomgomg. Have you seen the new Beyonce video yet? Holy Mary, Mother of God, how does she get her butt to DO THAT? If I could move like that, I wouldn’t need a goatee, I’ll tell you THAT. It’s the most unbelievable three-and-a-half minutes of television you’ll see all year. Absolutely jaw-dropping. And I love that it’s done in letterbox, too, so that she can pop her coochie the entire length of the screen. And when she SHOVES her big ass in the camera and starts singing about how she knows that we all want to eat it? – WELL, EVEN I’M TURNED ON. It’s TOO FABULOUS. The best thing she’s ever done. Truly, she has entered the Pantheon of the Gods with this one.
And your least favorite video?
Definitely that weird non-song/half-song of Kanye’s where he talks about making the song he’s not singing – I mean, what’s the purpose? Talk about just throwing something out there to see if it sticks! Oy! And they play it two or three times AN HOUR! Then there’s that new Ashley Simpson video, “L.O.V.E.,” where she’s acting all Clockwork Orange and quirky, like she’s suddenly so full of “personality”! BLECH!
What DVDs are you watching right now?
Pop Star starring Aaron Carter (“he’s topped the charts, can he top high school?”), Race With the Devil (Peter Fonda and Loretta Swit witness a human sacrifice while vacationing in their RV, and are chased cross-country by hippie Satanists. BEST ENDING EVER!), and Picnic at Hanging Rock (fabulous and creepy period piece about Australian schoolgirls who just vanish while on a picnic one day. AND OH THE OUTFITS! Very Balenciaga!).
What worries you these days?
What Hope’s reaction will be when she discovers that it was Chelsea who killed Zack, on Days of Our Lives, and that Bo has been covering for her all along… That Master P’s career can never recover from Dancing With the Stars. I mean, what a cred-killer, right? Wasn’t he once sort of a badass?… That I’m not hearing a second single from Madonna’s album… That weird thumping sound my car makes every time I turn a corner … That Four Kings just doesn’t seem that funny… That “the Others” on Lost are just a bunch of boring South Seas hillbillies… That my Afrin addiction is out of control… That I’ll be hit by a bus before I finish writing this book, and then it will never come out.
When was the last time you cried?
During Family Guy a couple of weeks ago, when the old pedophile sang “Somewhere That’s Green” while watching Chris mow his lawn. So sweet! So unexpected! I was just a puddle! I just thought, “THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I” you know? ALSO: I cry every time I hear those six or seven opening chords from the Brokeback Mountain theme. Oh my lord, it’s absolutely Pavlovian! During the Globes ceremony, EACH and EVERY time it was nominated for something, I started sobbing. I just hear those notes, and think: “THE SHIRT! HE’S JUST GOING TO SMELL THAT SHIRT EVERY DAY UNTIL HE DIES!” It’s too tragic. In fact, I think I’m going to cry right now.
OK, finally, what are you wearing right now?
Funny you should ask, I’m wearing my Brokeback boxers, with cowboys and horsies on them, and a She-Ra T-shirt that I’ve been wearing for four consecutive days.
Fine. Thank you for your time. Now go to work on that book.
– James St. James