1. DAYUM, Mariah, those are some drumsticks you got there! Are you SURE you want to wear a dress slit up to there? Are you SURE, dear? Those hamhock thunderthighs of yours could have been discreetly hidden, if you weren’t so hell-bent on barrelling onstage with your dress half-sewn on.
2. Listening to Lindsay Lohan mewl like a kitten on a kabob was SO DEEPLY SATISFYING. Possibly even more satisfying than Ashley Simpson’s SNL debacle. How dare she think she could take on Stevie Nicks? And give it an “ironic” twist? What an insufferable bitch! Such ego! Such hubris! “An erratic and miserable performance,” said the Boston Herald. I WISHWISHWISH they had shown the faces of the audience.
3. I had hoped, then, that Hilary would come out and just wipe the floor with her ass – really show Lindsay how it’s done. Unfortunately, SHE WAS JUST AS BAD. What the hell were those monkeys doing behind her? She couldn’t afford to hire real backup dancers? She had to go with the Up With People rejects? And that song: “The beat of my heart, the beat of my heart, the beat of my heart is the beat of my heart”? It’s like she forgot the words. Sorry, Hilary, that was your one big chance to show that Lohan bitch who’s REALLY on top, and you blew it.
4. Daddy Yankee? Yeah, I’d hit that.
5. Rob Thomas? I’d hit that, too. What? You got a problem with that?
6. Shery Crow. Am I the ONLY PERSON who finds her screechy and off-pitch?
7. I find Cyndi Lauper TOO DEPRESSING. How many times has she re-released those same songs? I don’t NEED another version of “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” or “Time After Time.” No really, Cindy, just stopitstopitstopit. You once held such promise. Try writing something NEW. I know it takes EFFORT. And it’s not a sure thing. But who knows, maybe then we won’t RUN when we see you walk on stage. Or change the channel. Like I did.
8. The Euyrythmics, on the other hand, were a breath of fresh air. Annie Lennox still kicks ass. While I would have preferred to see her new stuff, she still managed to put the kids in their places. Can you imagine having to follow that?
9. I’m beginning to worry about Gwen Stefani. I don’t think she’s going to age well. I think we’re going to see a Pam Anderson thing happen, where she’s just NOT GOING TO LET GO. We’ll revisit this topic as it develops.
10. And finally, on all these award shows, they should just do away with the hosts altogether. They never add anything. They stop being funny after their opening bit, and it just gets painful as the night goes on, watching them stump for laughs. I don’t know who this guys was, but he was just awful.
– James St. James