Halloween night, I went to a party on the set of the Jack E Jett show that was being taped live for the East Coast audience. Sandra Bernhard was the guest host, and all night long various “celebrities” (Omarosa, Lehmkuhl Reichen), freaks (me, Phaedra), and performers (Glen Meadmore, Selene Luna) would ring the doorbell – “trick or treat!” – and join them for a brief moment or two on the couch.
I was dressed as a child molester or “The Bastard Who Molested Me in the JC Penney Men’s Room, July 4, 1976.” Now, rest assured, no such event ever occurred; I just figured adding details made it funnier. WRONG. Brevity is the soul of wit, at least when it comes to television interviews. When I grabbed the microphone and announced that’s who I was, there was a deathly silence, and the mood of the show suddenly plummeted like a falling elevator. Apparently you can’t joke about molestation on the Queer Network.
Anyway, during our banter, Jack E asked us what makes a party fun. People shouted out various answers: “Alcohol,” “The right mix of people,” BLAH BLAH BLAH. And I shouted out: “A little Celine Dion!” (well, of course)
Now mind you, I DON’T LIKE CELINE DION. Really. I swear. I was being IN CHARACTER. I was just talking out of my head. I figured child molesters probably really like Celine Dion. I MEAN, WHO ELSE WOULD LISTEN TO HER? Well, everybody looked like I had farted. Sandra SNEERED at me. Jack E made a note to fire the casting director.
The conversation came to a swift end, and we were moved onto the stage area to watch the Misfits perform and party with the other trick-or-treaters. BUT HERE’S THE KICKER: I was supposed to be on again last night for an extended segment with Sandra, BUT I WAS BUMPED! And I’m thinking: OMG, it’s because they think I’m this uncool Celine Dion fan!
(BONUS OLD CELINE DION JOKE: Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Hey Celine, why the long face?”)
– James St. James