In the latest issue of Vitals Man magazine there is a fascinating list of 100 Services for the Uberlazy Man. That’s what the title says, and that’s me all over. I am a super-uberlazy man. “Let the maid do it,” is my philosophy. It’s a shame I don’t have a maid. I’m all about simplifying, delegating, postponing, and, whenever possible, palming things off on others. I’m just not a details person. True glamour, I believe, depends on long, langorous hours spent pondering the big picture of your fabulosity, not reading bills or listening to menu options. Besides, you’re closer to the sun with your head in the clouds. Oh that’s good. Let’s put it on coffee mugs.
Anyway, they have compiled a list of 100 people and companies who will take care of all the niggly little things that keep you from thinking big and, therefore, from making it big. They’ve found folks who will:
• write thank-you notes, $15 an hour, instantthankyouletters.com
• wait in line at the DMV, $75 an hour, 303-295-3064
• balance your checkbook, $50 a month, at Accounting To Go, 214-460-3634
• remember family and friends birthdays, $25 a pop (or mom), 651-307-4120
• pick up your dog’s poo, at $9 per dog (only in LA), We Do Doo Doo, 310-402-4120
• water your plants, $45 per visit (also only in LA), 310-836-5141.
• decorate your home for Christmas, starting at $200, 318-443-2898
• and for all you Scrooge McDucks out there, there’s someone who will open all those annoying Christmas presents for you, photograph them, and write appropriate thank-you notes, $125 an hour.
Now, I could see paying for most of those things. They seem perfectly reasonable, for the most part. Well, except for the present opener. What’s that all about? There are a few other odd services on the list that seem outrageous, even by my jaded standards. Take Gail Thorton: She’s an official food taster. A food taster? In the 21st century? I just can’t imagine that – outside of a few Ukranian presidential candidates, a handful of Colombian drug lords, the current husbands of known Black Widows, and David Spade – there is much call for this anymore. On her website, I see that she also caters to clients who perhaps have deadly peanut allergies, and don’t trust waiters to tell the truth about ingredients. Because this is a lucrative demographic?
Then there is the “Fashion Concierge” who will – GET THIS – lay out an outfit for you to wear, every morning. From your own closet. That’s right. They pick out and accessorize things from your own wardrobe. And for this valuable service, they are paid an annual salary of between $35,000 and $40,000.
Stop it. No really. I’m plotzing. $40,000? I mean, Who? Who? Who needs this? Blind socialites? Drag queens in comas? OCD sufferers who can’t commit on a sock color?
I simply could not wrap my mind around this. I thought real hard about putting on my junior cub reporter hat (Jimmy Olsen-stizz) and actually calling them, but as it’s around quarter to three in the morning, I’ve
decided against it.
Do they do anything else for the money? Shop, maybe? Pick up dry cleaning? Make coffee? Do they live with you? Or come in like elves in the night? Will they answer the occasional phone? Make a deli run? And how do I get a job like this? What qualifications do they have that I don’t?
And I admit that I could occasionally use a fashion consultant myself. If I had someone with me when I was dressing, I might never have worn that black denim Utilikilt on my trip to Scotland, or that bedazzled Turd T-shirt (in my mugshot, of all places!), or that pink chiffon dress under the grey suit that I inexplicably wore on the Sharon Osbourne show. But for $35,000 they had better be naked and named Aaron Carter, if you know what I mean.
Later in the magazine, they pay tribute to some of the all-time legendary sloths, among them:Epidemes, the Greek poet who supposedly slept for 57 years; Christopher Columbus, who more or less got stuck in the Bahamas, thought it was India, and called it a day; and marketing whiz John
Hudson, who charged US Air $70,000 to give the company a new name.
He came up with US Airways.
I salute this man. Isn’t that fabulous? It gives me hope that I might someday stumble into a job like that. (“We’ll call it; Worlds of Wonder! Now make the check out to cash.”)
– James St. James