Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I AM SO BORED. These days are ENDLESS. I don’t know how much longer I can go on. They stretch out FOREVER. There’s only so much porn and Simpsons one person can watch. Did you know that you can George Foreman ANYTHING? Toast. You can George Foreman toast. Bagels. Totinos pizza rolls. Last night’s nachos. Lo mein noodles. Pop-Tarts, of course. Frozen vegetables. It’s only a matter of time before I start on the neighborhood cats.
I lie on my floor and stare at the stucco on my ceiling, sometimes for hours. If I squint, I can just make out Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and half a Mickey Mouse head. Then I close my eyes and think about what I’ve just seen. Ohmygod, it just never ends. Of course, I SHOULD BE writing. Yes, that’s what I should be doing. But I can’t. I can’t. I’m stuck in a loop. I feel like Catherine Denueve in Belle de Jour. Yes, that’s exactly who I’m like. It’s uncanny. We could be sisters.
My life partner, Harvey, is an invalid, and I usually change his outfit every couple of months. He’s seven feet tall, and his head tends to fall off during the process, so I put it off as long as I can. Lately, though, he’s been getting new outfits every day. Today, I’ve given him a little seersucker blazer, isn’t it cute. Yes, I know we are well into October, but it’s an orange and brown seersucker – very autumnal – and Johnny Mountain says those Santa Anas are coming back, so I feel it’s appropriate.
You might be wondering about the chains. “Why is Harvey in chains?” you ask. We’ve been playing Desperate Housewives, you see, and I’m Alfre Woodard. Of course. It’s better than last season when I was Mama Solis. I’m leaving the chains on, though, even after playtime is over. I just saw Wallace and Gromit, and that fucking were-rabbit SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I’m not taking any chances with Harvey. Invalid, or not, he has a wicked look in his eyes.
What else? What else? Days of Our Lives has been dull while Patrick Lockhart is backburnered. I swear if he sleeps with Chelsea, though, THAT’S IT for me. I will turn on him so fast. I’m very excited to see that Lucas is coming out on General Hospital. I see in Soap Opera Weekly that he’ll be getting a boyfriend soon, SOMEBODY WHO’S ALREADY ON THE CANVAS. Wouldn’t it be hot if it was Dillon? LOVE Dillon. I‚d pay-per-view THAT. And YES I read Soap Opera Weekly. You would, too, if you had as much time on your hands as I do.
So what now? I guess I’ll dance to my Hilary Duff cd for another couple hours. Then glue rubber noses on my stuffed animals. Then re-iron all my clothes. Then photoshop myself having sex with Nate Berkus and Lillian Gish. PLEASE GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
– James St. James