BEHOLD! Here, at last, is my list of the 25 HOTTEST GUYS OF ALL TIME! IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! GUARANTEED! I’ve toiled over this all weekend, adding and subtracting my love muffins like the fickle faggot I am. You might notice that a certain billionaire bad boy is conspicuously absent. That’s because I’m mad at him right now. He has to learn that he’s not the only boy to turn my head. I could just as easily give myself to any one of these other boys. So, without further ado, here they are:
• Chad Michael Murray – sure he’s hot, and he’s got THAT NOSE, but he and I connect on a purely intellectual level. It’s true!
• Jesse McCartney – because his hair can kick Ryan Cabrera’s hair’s ass
• Jake Ryan – if you were a young girl in the ’80s, like I was, you don’t even have to ask why
• Justin Timberlake – a little old, a little grizzled, but still undeniably hot
• Jordi Chandler – he knows what’s up
• Prince Harry – finally a Prince Charming you can smoke crack with!
• Brandon Flowers from the KILLERS – pose-y popstar who just might be a sister
• Sandy from FLIPPER – he can play with my blow-hole anytime
• Andrew on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – because bisexuals are hot, evil is always sexy, and because Jesse Meltcalf is 30 if he’s a day
• The New Guy in the WOW office – shhhhhhh
• Mario Vazquez – remember him?
• Macaulay Culkin – Oh, what? WHAT?
• Kieran Culkin– IgbyIgbyIgbyIgbyIgbyIgby! SQUUEEEEEEAL!
• Atrayu from NEVERENDING STORY – “Say my naaaaaamme, bitch!
• River Phoenix – hot dead prettyboy, without whom we’d never have Leo
• Adam Brody – I know – sooooooo 2004! I can’t help it!
• Matt Damon – because I will never forget the sight of him in that tangerine Speedo in THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY
• Dexter Fishpaw aka the Baltimore Footstomper from POLYESTER – still, after all these years, that glue-sniffing bad boy has my heart
• Aaron Carter – no really, we have a lot in common
• Jared Leto – because Jordan Cetalano was the Jake Ryan of the ’90s, and because, old as he is, he still looks like my first crush, Speed Racer
• Orlando Bloom – I bumped Johnny Depp to put him up here, I hope he doesn’t make me regret it
• Gregory Smith – so tortured!
• Elijah (gives me) Wood
• Gael Garcia Bernal
• Billy Elliot – especially after he was molested by Russell Crowe. That was hot
(Photos from left: Chad Michael Murray, Michael Schoeffling aka Jake Ryan, Luke Halpin aka Sandy)
