FRIDAY NIGHT STATS
WHO WHAT WHERE: Paper magazine & Jaguar 2005 invite you to celebrate the Eighth Annual Beautiful People party at the newly renovated Roosevelt Hotel.
MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? Hold on a minute. That’s a mighty big order. Were they really the MOST beautiful? The most beautiful people EVER?
In a word: Yes. For once, the bold claim on the packaging wasn’t over-zealous promotion or wishful thinking (like “happy meal” or “must-see TV” or “8 inches”). This time the party actually lived up to it’s hype. It really was THE MOST ATTRACTIVE crowd I’ve seen in years. It’s as if Kim & David personally handpicked each person based on their HOT OR NOT ratings, and told them what to wear and how to do their hair.
A few ugly types got through, of course. They always do. But they were usually detected at the guest list, and issued cunning chapeaus to cover their faces, so as to not detract from the overall effect.
THE LOOK: A full 73% of the men were wearing their requisite white blazer, white belt and white shoes, as they’ve been instructed to by the stores, the magazines, and Justin Timberlake. Most of them also were sporting some sort of Mario Vasquez-type hat – little trilbys or fedoras, usually in straw. And color, color, color.
The women were all in their standard Oh this? floaty chiffon slip dress BLAH BLAH BLAH, with sensible, bejeweled slippers, and limp, just-washed hair. I saw no coral patterns, no caftans, no wooden jewelry, none of the big-ticket items we’ve all been pummeled into believing will be HIP! HOT! IN STYLE! NOW! FOR SPRING 2005! And I was really about to jump on the caftan craze big time, being big-boned and all. Now I’m not so sure.
ME: Orange seersucker blazer, white pants, orange polo over white polo, collar UP! and glorious gold lamé slippers with silver bows. My beauty was marred only by a monster zit on my forehead that looked like a giant nipple. Damn! So THAT’S why I didn’t get laid.
WHO WAS THERE: Duh. The most beautiful people. That includes Kirtsty Hume, Ione Skye, Matthew Perry, Troy Garity, Jeremy Scott, Randy Barbato, Annie Flanders, Kelly Cole, Danillo, Ann Magnuson, Kenny Scharf, Nadia the recently booted AMERICAN IDOL, LA.com’s Laurie Pike, and the WOW Report’s editor…
THE USUAL SUSPECTS:
• Fergie, the Duchess of York was not there, but Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was…
• Shannen Doherty was not there but Tori Spelling was…
• Bobby Trendy was not there, but Jesse Camp was…
• Paris Hilton was not there, but her bloated booty call Simon Rex was…
• The cast of the OC was not there, but several ONE TREE HILL hunks were…
• Jake Shears was not there, but as every homo in the country now looks exactly like him, it doesn’t really matter…
• Janice Dickenson was not there, but there was some chewy old chicken on a stick, and if you squinted just right…
THE HOT TOPICS OF CONVERSATION:
• My fab gold slippers (only 99 cents? Get OUT!)
• “Isn’t that…? That guy…? You know, from that show…?” (and they love it when you ask them, just like that)
• The pool! We love the famed Hockney-painted pool (in fact, we should come more often)
• “Am I drunk?” (you are, in fact, hammered)
• What a good-looking crowd this is! (no seriously, can we maybe go out sometime?)
• CHASING FARRAH– (sounded great in the pitch meeting)
PERSONAL HIGH POINT: Chatting and posing for pictures with Michael Copon, the hot Latino-flavored bad-boy from ONE TREE HILL. I used to masturbate to him when he was the blue POWER RANGER! So cute! He’s the new Eddie Cibrian! He liked my shoes. I liked his ass. And I am now one step closer to bedding Chad Michael Murray.
LOW POINT: Not being photographed by anyone from PAPER. In other words: you WILL see those gold slippers again. And again.
NUMBER OF DRINKS I HAD: 5
NUMBER OF TIMES I HAD TO PEE: 12 (whats up wit DAT?)
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WERE EXCITED ABOUT JUDITH REGAN’S BIG MOVE: 0
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WERE EXCITED ABOUT THE BIG “STACKED” PREMIERE: 1
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO SHRIEKED ABOUT TYRA’S BIG MELTDOWN ON AMERICA’S TOP MODEL: 327
TOTAL SCORE: I give it 4 out of 5 air kisses (a Brandon-sighting would have pushed it over the top).
– James St. James
(Photos: top, James and 7th Heaven‘s George Stults; bottom, Paper honchos David Hershkovits and Kim Hastreiter)