Mama, I’m pretty!
It’s my skin. Haven’t you noticed? My face? It’s a blank slate. A glowing white orb. It’s a moonstone! An electric snowball!
I’ve been getting my photo-facial laser treatments on the DL. I’ve been very quiet about it. Yes, yes. Positively DEMURE. Just look at my shy, downward glance. Like a young Lady Di.
In fact, I’ve been waiting for YOU to mention it. (Clears throat)
Now, it’s not a RADICAL change, mind you. I’m not getting the whole Meg Ryan. It’s so subtle, and done in such small increments, that you wouldn’t even know your baby was having work done. I just look “rested.” And “clean.” I’ve had four now – targeting my freckles, dark spots, rosacia, and spider veins. And here, look, my skin is so even and pale, I look like a ghost. A lovely, lovely ghost.
Not that I’d MIND a radical change. God knows, I’m paying enough for a radical change. I want a new face. I want to look positively fetal (not fecal). I want to be mistaken for Dakota Fanning. I want to look like I’m wearing a latex mask. A balloon on my head. I want them to just whittle my skin right down to the bone. But I’m reasonable. I’m taking baby steps to beauty. Tiny, patient baby steps.
And it hurts like hell. Have I mentioned that? Hurts like a motherfucker. It’s like being tasered again and again. SNAP! Like a tiny whip on my face. SNAP! And I choke back a sob, because I’m such a little girl. Then the laser mistress increases the voltage. BIGGER SNAP! Oh, she’s a sadist, my laser mistress; she actually talks with a German accent. (Though I suspect she’s from Pacoima.) “I love hurting people,” she tells me. (SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.) I’m like Dustin Hoffman in THE MARATHON MAN.
SNAP! Please, Frauline, may I have another? And another? OW. Harder, please, Frauline. HARDER!
But then it’s over. For three more weeks.
I wish I would have done this 10 years ago.
No pictures. Not yet. I’ll post BEFORE and AFTER pictures when I’m done. You’ll see. Or maybe you won’t. Doesn’t matter. I’m doing it for me.
Next stop? Restyline – It’s like SPACKLE FOR YOUR FACE! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
By God, I will be beautiful yet!
– James St. James