I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.
I’m all cried out.
Life as I know it is over.
Mario Vazquez has quit AMERICAN IDOL. I know, I know. It’s too tragic. What the hell am I suppose to do now? Masturbate to Anthony Federov? To Bo Bison? AS IF! Mario was my world! My sole reason for tuning in! That doe-eyed, swivel-hipped pretty boy had it all! Without him, it’s just a bunch of shrieking Diana DeGarmos and RJ Heltons doing bad Laura Branigan impersonations.
There is a silver lining, though. Obviously, he quit because there is a gay sex tape circulating out there. WELL, OF COURSE THERE IS. Grow up, people. Popular frontrunners don’t just mysteriously drop out of competitions because they’ve CHANGED THEIR MINDS. He’s hiding something. Remember Frenchie Davis? After all the rampant speculation about his sexuality, Mario realized that it was only a matter of time before the 10-inch truth came out. Yes, yes. Somewhere out there is a well-worn copy of LATIN INCHES or a scratchy BOYS FROM THE BARRIO tape collecting dust in someone’s bottom drawer. FIND IT, AND I’LL PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR IT. And if anybody has any insider scoop, please let me know.
– James St. James