First, let’s big-picture this: My long-term goal is to look better at 40 than I did at 30. Which shouldn’t be difficult. At 30, I was a mess. Wasted, wild-eyed, and crazy crack-thin – 128 lbs! – with blackened teeth, a pitted face, and a creepy magenta comb-over. I looked like Death Camp Dick Van Patten. Or Martin Landau doing Rocky Horror Dinner Theater. Either way, not very attractive. Not at ALL.
In comparison, everything I do now is positively editorial. Even potentially dodgy looks – the clam-digger madness of 2001, the bedazzling frenzy of ‘99 – are better than before. No, really. Trust me on this.
So, now I’m 38. I actually have two years left to complete these resolutions and become the best me I can be. Après 40, le deluge, you know. But in the meantime.
Here are my top ten 2005 resolutions:
1: NEW FACE – blah, blah, blah you’ve heard it before. The usual wish list: botex, check; laser peel, check; teeth whitening, check, check. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I may need to add Restilin injections to the list. I think that’s what’s been missing all along. I think Restilin injections will finally make me beautiful. Yes. Yes. Sweet Jesus. Finally, I will be completely and utterly happy. If I just get these injections, I will never want for anything ever again. No, really.
2: NEW BODY – It’s time to finally get that personal trainer to help lose those 15 pop-tart pounds and work on my overall body tone (now hovering somewhere between Tyne Daily and a bag of lima beans). Maybe later in the year, I’ll get some surgical suckee suckee on my man-boobs, then a little ass re-plumpening. . . (“MMMMM replumpening”). . . Also: electrolysize shoulders, back, neck, and ears. Well, ew. I didn’t need to write that out loud.
3: NEW ATTITUDE – No more Bitter Betty. I need to let go of the anger and jealousy. Hey, it’s OK that JT Leroy is rich and successful and A-list and a NY Times bestseller. It’s OK that he hangs out with rock stars and fashion models and goes to places so cool I’ve never even heard of them. Deep breath. You know what? Let the freak have his fun. My life is GREAT. I actually ENJOY playing Trivia Whiz by myself at Spotlight every night. And this Monday blog thing is GREAT. . . .
4: KICKSTART CAREER:
– A) Finish novel sitting in desk drawer (“Aging queen at a hustler bar obsesses over young boy and slowly falls apart”). Yes, that’s right. A novel. A heart-warming comedy about a fictional fat old queen, who’s bald. Did I mention that? He’s bald and plays Trivia Whiz every night at the Spotlight. Where DO I think these things up?
– B) Find producer and director to help stage my one-woman show: CELEBUTANTE THIS! A multimedia celebration of all things ME! I was wildly inspired by the runaway success of Lorna Luft and Charles Nelson Reilly’s shows. Why not me? Isn’t that what the world has been clamoring for? Me, alone on a stage, putting on makeup and outfits, doing lines and telling stories? What could be more fun?
5: SARTORIAL STIZZ – Here it is, my spring 2005 signature color combination revealed: PINK & GOLD! Yes! That’s it! My new look! Because pink & brown is so 2004. It’s all about the pink and gold. Think Schiaparelli! Think the Breakers in Palm Beach circa ‘62! And those fabulous Warhol shoe illustrations from the fifties with the gold leaf! Picture it. It’s eye-catching, but not gaudy. It’s attention-shifting, but not in an obnoxious way. It’s gay, but not too. . . well, scratch that. But it IS very photofriendly. Perfect if anyone wants to interview me for, oh, VH1 or the STYLE NETWORK. Maybe? Someone?
(TO BUY: hot pink satin suit, gold beaded top, gold shoes, pink ruffle shirt, gold Lurex Capri pants. . . .)
6: UP MY EYESHADOW GAME – For real, yo. Because my beady little eyes deserve better.
7: NO MORE VELVET BLAZERS! – Because even the Strokes wanted to punch themselves after a while. . . .
– AND NO MORE STRIPED SHIRT-AND-TIE COMBOS EITHER! – Because you’ll never be Simon Doonan, and that’s a GOOD thing. Simon says: Stop trying. That goes for EVERYONE. You all look terrible, like you went off your meds before getting dressed. You’re making me dizzy. Go away. And while I’m at it— tuck in your damn shirt. Unless you are a 16-year-old skateboarder/supermodel who weighs 110 pounds – or Steven Spielberg – you can not pull it off. You lack insouciance. Also, you look fat and sloppy. At least button your jacket. You disgust me.
8: FEED THE BRAIN – It’s time to tackle Goethe, Rabelais, Rilke, Zola, Ibsen, Turgenev, Balzac, Lawrence, James (Henry), and Eliot (George). Oh, you doubt me? I’m not all “Cargo” and “V,” you know. I’m actually big on endurance literature. And if I’m feeling feisty, I might just go on and finally plow through Proust. I’ve been told you really find your rhythm in book 5.
9: DVD COLLECTION – My goal is to have at least one movie from every year, starting in 1898 and going all the way up to 2005. Does that sound a little OCD? Well, hang on. It’s more involved than that. Each movie should be characteristic of its period, as well as a reflection of my own personal taste. Each movie should be important enough to play a part in the overall evolution of film as an art form (but be entertaining enough to stand on its own). Maybe the movie introduces us to the legends of directing, acting, and cinematography at the beginning of their careers. Or perhaps it showcases them at their red-hot peak. It might introduce groundbreaking advances in structure, style, or technology. It might be the first example of a common genre. It might be the quintessential example of said genre. Or it might be what killed the genre. Maybe it epitomizes a certain acting, directing, or cinematic style. Maybe there is a specific key element of this movie that has had a tremendous impact on the industry. Maybe the movie references or pays tribute to another film or filmmakers style, and therefore belongs as a coda in the flow chart in my head. I haven’t quite figured out all the criteria yet. Whatever the movie is, though, it needs to be landmark viewing.
When I finish each decade, I’ll post my choices.
I can see you’re thrilled.
Oh yeah, and it can’t star Jada Pinkett Smith, Burt Lancaster, Olivia de Haviland, Mickey Rooney, Martha Plimpton, or Judd Hirsch. Because I hate them all.
10: FIND SOMEONE WHO THINKS THE ABOVE IDEA SOUNDS LIKE A FASCINATING WAY TO SPEND THE NEXT 107 OR SO EVENINGS – When I find this person, I will have found my true love, and then I’ll live happily ever after.
– James St. James