Now here’s the unsettling backstory: I ran into the party’s promoter Sham about a week ago. He asked if I was coming to his grand re-opening, I said sure, then he handed me an invitation WITH MY PICTURE ON IT. I was stunned. I looked fabulous, of course, but it was an odd moment. Like Homer seeing himself on the box of Mr Sparkle.
“Um, is it a party for me?”
“Am I a host?”
“Do you want to be? You totally can”
And I thought, so it’s come to this: MY FACE is now shorthand for “party.” I have finally been rendered completely generic. I am the only person I know of who has gone from “underground” to “ubiquitous” without ever experiencing the fun and profitable “in-demand” stage.
So, anyway, back at the party: There I was, hiding behind a rubber-tree plant, spying on this REALLY CUTE BOY until I could get up the nerve to talk to him. You know how painfully shy I am. (Usual scenerio: I blush, I choke, I kick the floor – then run away like a retard.) So I finally got up the nerve and introduced myself. Well he was perfectly marvelous, not scary at all. We talked about, oh, this and that, you know: la la la.
His name is Seven, and no it’s not because he has a seven-inch dick, and he’s not a huge 7th HEAVEN fan, and he’s not seventh in line for the throne of Albania. “It’s just Seven” he said, and that ended that. Then he asked me my name. I said James. A few minutes later, he asked what my last name was. I said St. James. “That’s odd”, he said, “I have your number in my phone”. He punched a few buttons and BY GOD HE DID!
Talk about ubiquity!
I had never met him. He had never met me. We were total strangers. And yet, my brand-new cell-phone number (barely a month old) WAS MAGICALLY ALREADY IN HIS PHONE! Like it had been sent from the future!
He didn’t know where it came from, and had been trying to figure it out for a while. Obviously this was Fate telling us we were meant to be together forever. In fact, I would actually classify this as more of a DECREE. I mean, you can’t argue with Fate. (Although, later, Fate decreed that I should do a bump of coke in the ladies room when I was trying to be good, then another behind the bar, so I don’t think Fate always has my best interests at heart.)
It was all lost on him, though. He ended up going home with Sham. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Story of my life: ubiquitous without being in-demand.
– James St. James