$3,000 – Laser peel. Please God, I’m tired of looking like Edward James Olmos.
$1,000 – Something in a fur stole. No letters, please, I’ve made up my mind. This winter, it’s all about the glamour. As the ancient philosopher Cynthia Heimel once said: “When in doubt, act like Myrna Loy.”
$600 – BRITE SMILE. My teeth are orange. ORANGE? Like little slices of Velveeta, all in a row. I disgust myself.
$5,000 – Pink boucle Chanel jacket. This season, for the first time, Karl Lagerfeld has made eight outfits from the fall collection available in men’s sizes. IMAGINE MY GIDDINESS! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of owning a pink Chanel suit. And now, for five thousand dollars, I can. SQUEEAL!
$4,000 – I need a vacation. Someplace warm, with palm trees and a beach. I’m so sick of LA.
$1,200 – Detective service to, um, locate something.
$1,200 – Bally’s personal trainer. Either that, or a breast reduction ($7,000). SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE, PEOPLE!
$1,300 – Black cashmere cape from Ralph Lauren. Well, I just need it, of course.
$19,000 – Simple diamond tiara with egret plume. For formal and semi-formal occasions. Really, how have I gotten this far without it?
$250 – That damn pink mini iPod nobody seems willing to buy me.
$180 – Get winter clothes out of hock from the drycleaners.
$75 – Blossom Dearie album off eBay. I’ve been searching for this album since that bitch Betty Ruple scratched my copy in 10th grade. THAT WAS 22 YEARS AGO. I’ve been looking for it ever since. And people wonder why I’m crazy.
OK, let’s see. Just add that up. Carry the two. Carry the four. No. Wait. Hmm. Do it again.
OK. All I need this month is $36,805, and if I can get an 11-month advance on my salary, and accidentally knock over a liquor store, then that just ought to do it.