Back in the 90’s when I was doing a lot of Special K, I realized that I was actually an inter-dimensional portal that spirits passed through on their way from one side to the other. Who knew? Little old ladies would come to me and show me things from their former lives: a favorite dress, a pair of spectacles, a wedding portrait. . . Sometimes they just wanted to dance again, and we would whirl around my apartment to madrigals and minuets, doing dances I know nothing of, our feet never touching the floor.
So I’m very in tune with the spirit world. An ideal ghost hunter.
Saturday night, I went to a HAUNTED PORN SHOP IN DOWNEY. Very hot and creepy. Very EROTIC ADVENTURES OF SCOOBY DOO. With me were my esteemed colleagues, Mr. And Mrs. Thorn.
The grizzled old salesclerk told us the story of a man who was murdered during a drug deal gone bad. Now he wanders in and out of the peepshow booths, night after night, wearing a white cowboy hat. That’s hott. When a clerk goes over to tell him that it’s only one person per booth, please – HE VANISHES! “We have it on security tape!” he told us.
We then spoke to the large, red-headed woman who mops up (um, ew). One time, as she was closing up, she saw a pair of legs in the booth – WITHOUT A TORSO!
She also told us about an inexplicable cold spot in the back. I was busy in a booth watching ONE NIGHT IN PARIS, but I sent Eva and David to check it out. They both confirmed the cold spot and said that it “felt like you were in an elevator. Your stomach feels funny and you want to scream.” Sort of like the feeling of seeing Rick Solomon’s penis for the first time.
Then it was off to a haunted house in Norwalk where an obese man named Sandy was murdered. It is said that anyone walking into the house or backyard will be brutally attacked by his ghost. Reportedly some have died. It is also said that those who survive the attack will become completely insane.
We found the house. By now it was late and almost completely dark. Through the window we could see a nice Mexican family gathered at the dining room table. No sense bothering them. My useless colleagues, Mr. and Mrs. Thorn, were freaked out by the negative energy and hid in the car. I creeped around back, and – lo and behold! – the gate to the back yard swung open. Of course I had to tip-toe in. Then, guess what happened?
I WENT COMPLETELY INSANE!