Chris May writes:
Halloween and Christmas rolled themselves into one big beautiful package this past Sunday when I scored a pair of tickets to the Fuse Network / Fangoria Magazine Chainsaw Awards at the Orpheum in downtown LA, honoring the best and brightest new works emanating from the criminally underserved nexus of horror films and heavy metal music. While I really do not care for horror films, I have a deep and long-standing appreciation for the fine art of heavy metal, and an even greater love of attending awards shows, so you can imagine my excitement when the benevolent Stephen Saban tapped me for this plum assignment.
For those wondering why the world needs yet another awards show, let me remind you that here in America, identifying the Very Best in each and every category, class, genre, subdomain, and species is not only a matter of ceaseless and unstoppable conjecture, it’s practically our national pastime. If it exists, we’ll find a way to turn it into a competition and identify a winner (Yay!) and a loser (Boo! You SUCK! Get lost!). Possibly the only two things exempt from this are religion and race, and given the way the TV show Survivor is going, I think we’ll see the last of these silly taboos blown up by next season.
In keeping with the spirit of the evening, the night’s highlights have been carefully culled, categorized, analyzed, and adjudicated. After the jump, a highly quasi-scientific list of the top moments:
Best Celebrity Gossip Blogger Desperately Trying to Leave Before the Awards Show Actually Started: This award goes to Perez Hilton, who was spotted slumped against a wall outside the Orpheum’s main entrance. Why El Perizzle was at the Chainsaw Awards to begin with is unclear, since none of the announced attendees were named Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. Which, come to think of it, probably explains why he was outside taking a nap. Miraculously, he lept up and got into a waiting taxi about 30 seconds after this picture was taken. That Perez – always ahead of the curve!
Best Use of Joan Rivers: Federal law mandates that any basic-cable awards show must include Joan in some capacity. The Fuse folks managed to lure her into this ticket booth by telling her there was a nickel hidden somewhere inside.
Best Attempt by an Upstart Cable Network to Discourage Widespread Media Coverage of Their Under-Publicized Event: And the winner is…the Chainsaw Awards, for their clever twist on the classic chestnut “no cameras allowed.” One might think that if you’re inviting the media to an event, you’d want them to take pictures of what actually happens at the event, as opposed to what happened on the greasy sidewalk outside the event – but you’d be wrong. Clearly, the Fuse Network is thinking outside the box, and turning the old media paradigm on its head by calling an end to boring, outdated things like photos. However, live-blogging via BlackBerry was actively encouraged!
Best Trend/Fashion Mashup: This award would’ve gone to 30 Seconds To Mars (also known as Jared Leto and The Mopes), but we didn’t stick around long enough to see them. Instead, it goes to lite-metal practitioners Avenged Sevenfold, who looked like an emo version of the Village People, and did a horrible job of lipsynching to a song that featured rap, metal, zydeco, folk, calypso, reggaeton, and salsa. I’ve seen toddlers do a more convincing job singing along to Sesame Street records. Special note to Ashlee Simpson: Thanks to these guys, you’re off the hook for that whole SNL fiasco.
Best C-List Celebrity Masquerading As a Rock Star: Again, another award you’d think would go to Jared Leto, but you know how that went. So instead it goes to Jada Pinkett Smith, who showed up with her “band” Wikked Wisdom to introduce some award or clip package or something. You’d think that being soundly ignored during an entire OzzFest tour would tell Jada something about the world’s level of interest in seeing her pretend to rock out to lame re-hashes of old Body Count songs from 1985, but apparently we’ve sorely underestimated Will Smith’s ability to buy his wife onto each and every stage in North America. Be sure to catch them at a Little League fundraiser near you!
Best Minor Celebrity Encounter: While milling around near the bar, we ran into Joel Moore and Nick Swardson, both of whom appeared in the critically overlooked film Art School Confidential. Even though they’re young up-and-comers, Joel and Nick had the whole awards-show thing figured out: Grab a good-looking girl and sit within arm’s reach of the bar. Look for these two at the Oscars next year, giving Jack Nicholson a run for his money in the cool department.
Best Reason to Leave Early: Pick one – no smoking patio, spotty service at the bar, Jamie Kennedy as host. Separately, these are all reasons to split at the first commercial break. Taken together, I’m surprised there was any audience at all. Not that there was much of one to begin with – at least half the seats were empty, and it was so quiet after Jamie Kennedy’s punchlines, you could hear the sound of some anonymous band doing blow backstage.
I’m sure the whole thing will look great on TV though – the Chainsaw Awards air this Sunday, October 22, on Fuse.
– Chris May
(Photos: Shelly D)