We had meetings and came up with the following seemingly random but without a doubt best list of end-of-the-year superlatives you’re likely to find anywhere. Each and every one wins a stunning, shiny, and much coveted Wowie statuette. Congratulations to all. No purchase necessary. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Results may vary. Not legal in some states.
Stinkiest TV show: How Clean Is Your House?

Best UK TV show: Sex Inspectors

Best US television network: Trio

Blingiest, most extravagant, only-in-America TV show episode: Oprah’s Favorite Things giveaway on Oprah

Biggest bitch on TV: Tyra Banks

Cutest reality star: America’s Next Top Model‘s Norelle

Best TV comeback: the girls of SNL

Most annoying TV host: The Swan‘s Amanda Byram (please shut up)

Best TV show featuring a former cast member of Star Trek: Boston Legal

Late-night switch that can’t happen fast enough: Conan O’Brien replacing Jay Leno

Best performance on Everwood by a former girlfriend of Ellen’s: Anne Heche

Most disturbing, rarely seen commercials: The Sims

Awesomest, most singalongable commercials: HP Photosmart System’s “Picture Book” (works the Kinks out?)

Cutest commercials: dancing dollar bills for Orange Savings Bank

Best supermodel: Gina Davis

Best book to put in your cart: On Target: How the World’s Hottest Retailer Hit a Bullseye by Laura Rowley

Best memoir written by a valet: Mr S: My Life with Frank Sinatra by George Jacobs

Sexiest book about porn with the porn stars removed: Obscene Interiors: Hardcore Amateur Decor by Justin Jorgensen, Todd Oldham

If there has to be a book about a pedophile, this would be the best: All That Glitters: The Crime and the Cover-up by Raymond Chandler

Most blatant display of ego: Tom Ford’s book cover

Book Andy Warhol would have loved: I’ll Be Your Mirror edited by Kenneth Goldsmith

Best book to enjoy on the subway: Hip Hop Files by Martha Cooper

Photo book that launched last year but, appropriately, partied well into this one: Patrick McMullan’s so8os

Most embarrassing interview: Madonna on NPR pushing her third children’s book

Best part of Paris Hilton’s book: the sweat suit chapter

Best part of Paris Hilton: her name

Humpiest documentary: The Story of the Weeping Camel

Best movies about the learning process: The School of Rock, Mean Girls

Best set decoration in a movie: the croissants as Paris cobblestones in Team America

Most retarded performance: Adrien Brody in The Village

Best Linda Lovelace impression: Chloë Sevigny in The Brown Bunny

Best promotional tie-in toy: The Incredibles‘ Interactive Talking Edna Doll

Lawsuit that’s a bit of a stretch: Sharon Stone suing her plastic surgeon who didn’t perform a procedure on her

Best imitation of a robot: Laura Bush’s handwave

Best single by a former cast member of Star Trek: William Shatner’s “Common People” with Ben Folds and Joe Jackson

Most underrated album: RuPaul’s RedHot

Instant pop classic: Gwen Stefani’s Love, Angel, Music, Baby

Best album of cover songs sung in a nostalgic style and with a German accent: Das Palastorchester und Max Raabe

Least hackle-raising track on William Hung’s album: “Rocket Man”

Sexiest blog: Fleshbot

Cleverest gossip column: Michael Musto’s “La Dolce Musto”

Best fashion blog: Clothes Hoarse

Best new luxe hotel: The Parker in Palm Springs

Best restaurant “room” in LA: JAR

Chichi-est sushi room in LA: Geisha

Cosiest East Village bohemian hang in New York: Apocalypse Lounge

Cosiest East Village bohemian hang in LA: Club Screwball Tuesdays

Best LA party guest: James St. James (if you can get him)

Swellest LA party planner: Rabin Rodgers

Best snack food: pomegranate seeds

Best new fruit: the grapple

Best new candy: Reese’s Swoops

Nattiest former holder of P Diddy’s umbrella who now has his own line of $200 umbrellas: Fonzworth Bentley

Best drag: Bruce Vilanch in Hairspray (who knew he had it in her?)

Best reason to go to Las Vegas: the Celine Dion souvenir shop at Caesars

Best example of product copying art copying product: Campbell’s limited-edition Andy Warhol soup cans

Best foaming facial: Murad Vitalic Energizing Pomegranate Cleanser

Biggest new magazine with the most readable content for people like us especially while waiting to get our hair cut: Giant

Vainest, most annoying celebrity: Star Jones (she probably thinks this list is about her, don’t she?)

Celebrity we love to hate: Catherine Zeta-Jones

Hairiest new scent: Donald Trump the Fragrance

Sweetest sour grapes: Sofia Coppola’s blanc de blancs sparkling wine in a can

Best whine in a can: Kirstie Alley