After a grueling three weeks of intensive counseling, the demons possessing cock-sucking evangelical minister Ted Haggard have been exorcised and he is now fully hetero. Finding that not only unbelievable but nigh impossible to believe, we went straight, so to speak, to the Baptist Press website in search of the truth.

Tim Ralph, a member of the four-man board of overseers charged with guiding Haggard toward restoration, told The Denver Post that Haggard’s homosexual behavior with a male prostitute named Mike Jones was not a lifelong pattern.“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph, pastor of New Covenant Fellowship in Larkspur, Colo., said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Haggard’s insistence that Jones was his one and only and no other homo has come forward in the 90 days since the story broke to contradict that claim is what has his cronies believing his penchant for dick was just a phase. But Jones has said he’s heard from two other gay men who claimed they had encounters with Haggard but have chosen to remain anonymous because they’re afraid of losing their jobs.