According to Vice magazine: “Getting surrounded by friendly raccoons who want to eat baguettes that you’ve duct-taped to your legs is almost like being the princess of your very own Disney movie. Almost.” They’ve provided a step-by-step guide for accomplishing that end, should you desire such a thing. “With their shitty attitude and distinct facial markings, [raccoons are] the crust punks of the animal kingdom (without the heroin problem and terrible taste in music). And just like crusties, they’ll approach without warning and snatch a turkey sub right out of your hands, so you can only imagine how appetizing you’re going to look with two-week-old baguettes for arms!” Fabulous! The most important thing to remember, though, is the one food raccoons seem to find yucky: Broccoli. “Use their aversion to your protective advantage by surrounding danger zones (i.e., your junk) with appropriate amounts of the leafy green stuff.” Be sure to read all the advise here, though, before embarking on your own feral ‘coon snuggle fest.
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