Sanjaya Malakar lists the “Top 10 Things I Learned from America Idol” tonight on the Late Show with David Letterman:

10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your mohawk.

9. Work hard and make sacrifices, you can finish in 7th place.

8. It’s very important to “Keep it real, dawg.”

7. I should have gone for the immunity idol – oh wait, that’s Survivor.

6. On-camera, Simon is a bit nasty, but off-camera, he’s a total jerk.

5. Voting for yourself 100 times an hour causes some wicked carpal tunnel.

4. When you forget the words, just do this. (Sanjaya belts out a riff like “Ohhhhhhhh”)

3. Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

2. Nothing.

1. America loves performers with bad hair – right, Dave?

We’re thinking Sanjy actually might have written the list himself, that’s how not funny it is.