Fuck AOL’s World Premiere First View of Paris Hilton’s “Caught Up in the Rapture,” coming April 30 for five days. We made our own, more appropriate video to accompany the song – so THIS is your REAL first view. Actually it was edited together by our Eduardo Magaña and it’s the kind of video that Paris herself will see flash before her eyes in that instant just before she dies. It’s that biographical. And pornographic. And NSFW.

Firstly, how dare Hilton attempt a rap cover of Blondie’s classic “Rapture,” which is already rap and doesn’t need any extra rappin’. (Yeah, we know, it’s actually hip-hop.) And there is no secondly. As Randy says, “It’s not rapture, it’s blasphemy.” Meanwhile, check out this accurate deconstruction of cheap lying whore Paris Hilton that we found on the hilarious Celebrity Hijinks.