So Brian Griffin, the faithful family pooch, was hit by a car on last night’s episode of Family Guy and died. It was as sad as it was unexpected, but let’s keep in mind that, as a character, he’d been pretty insufferable fo A WHILE. I think Quagmire summed it up best, in that hate-filled rant of his from season 8 that will serve as his eulogy:
“You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend’s wife. The man pays for your food and rescues you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard! And you’re such a sponge, you pay for nothing. You always say, ‘Oh, I’ll get you later,’ but later never comes.
“And what really bothers me is you pretend you’re this deep guy who loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I’m honest about it. I don’t buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye, then lecture them with some seventh-grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn’t! He was a spoiled brat! And that’s why you like him so much. He’s you! God, you’re pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you’re some great writer, even though you’re terrible.
“And who are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn’t nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How’s that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren’t such a bore. That’s the worst of it, Brian. You’re just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.”