I’m only six episodes in, so NO SPOILERS, PLEASE. The twisty/turn-y plot still might reveal my soulful crushes to be a bad guys, but – so far  – this is how I rank the show’s plethora of hunks.

Tony: No doubt about it, the mysterious and protective Tony – with his retro hair, retro car, and retro love of cassette culture – is my number one fantasy lover. Played to Bruno-Marsian perfection by Christian Navarro. 

Alex: That platinum hair! Those chew-y pillow lips! His vaguely effeminate mannerism! Former Parenthood star Miles Heizer is simply ADORABLE. I foresee a big future for him!

Zach: Yummy Ross Butler (who’s also a stand-out on Riverdale) might just be the first-ever big breakout Asian teen heartthrob. Fingers crossed.

Clay: Superstar-in-the making, Dylan Minette, is beyond charismatic as the befuddled bestie who struggles to make sense of Hannah’s death.

Justin: Sure, bad boy Justin is kind of a dick, but his heartbreaking home life hints to a possible redemption down the road.

Mr Porter: Derek Luke is the glue that kees this school together. Another Daddy I’d like to scoop me up and whisk me off to his boudoir.

Tyler: Creepy but ultimately pitiable Devin Druid is my DL side-piece. Sure, I’m a little embarrassed to be seen with him in the hallways, but, oh, the things I’d do to him in the photography dark room…

Bryce: The lunkhead jock (played by Justin Prentiss) is another secret BF that I wouldn’t want to go public with, but I’m sure he’s fun for quickie in the locker room showers.

and finally, Jeff Atkins: I still don’t know too much about the swoon-worthy jock with the sleepy bedroom eyes, but I like what I see so far.