20 april O6
it’s unbelievable… that I am actually so close to being eligible to going home! I mean, I’m so not counting on being released in September… they hardly ever let anyone go home their first hearing… but just the idea of being eligible to go home, makes me nervous and excited and scared and anxious… I don’t know how I’ll react to being free again. In many ways I’m the same person I was before… but I’ve also changed a great deal… I guess I’ve finally begun to grow up… at FORTY! It’s incredible, isn’t it? That we’re only growing up… in our middle age! It’s so American… I just wrote something really cool in my book… about the whole I-don’t-want-to-grow-up thing… about how something like this is only possible in rich countries… where a sector of the population can afford to never grow up… and never have to face responsibilities…
But I’m getting off topic. Parole, yes. I see the parole board in September… they can release me then… or tell me to come back in 6, 12, 18 or 24 months. Usually they say come back in 24 months. I’ll have a far greater chance of being released at my second parole hearing. By then, I’ll have completed all my programs… counseling… etc. I’m having some GREAT therapy sessions right now… finding out some really amazing and useful things about myself and why I do some of the things I do… it’s all pretty obvious stuff… you know, the insecurities and blah blah blah… but we’re also going a bit beneath that… and beneath the obvious are some pretty useful things. I’m able to learn more about myself… I feel lucky to have such a good therapist.
If they say no at my second parole hearing… that will be the final time they can refuse me… before they have to let me go home by law. So I will be coming home sometime between September of this year… and sometime in early 2010, March, I believe.
In a few weeks, I’ll start something called “transitional services” that is a program to show me how to navigate the whole parole process… how to compile letters of support, job offers, places to live, all the things the parole board will want to see. I’m not sure what I want to do when I go home… a friend has offered to put me through film school… and I would really love that. I have so many great screenplay ideas… and I’m having so much fun painting… I really want to come home with a a huge collection of of paintings so I can have a show somewhere. I get so many letters from kids… disenfranchised and kooky… who want me to come home and re-start the whole “clubkid” thing. I want to say… that that’s not going to happen. It’s so weird… because these kids are acting exactly the way I would have acted… when I first moved to New York… and in fact the way I DID act… wanting so badly for the Old Guard to revive themselves and be fabulous again. I guess people like having something to… admire… to aspire to. Rest assured, I’ll do something interesting… and exciting. It just won’t be… the same thing I did before. It’ll have to be something a bit less…indulgent… self-centered. Jenny has the right idea… working with underprivileged kids at her girl’s club. I’m so proud of her… and a little jealous. I know how great it feels… to offer younger people a bit of hope… something “else”. That’s something I want to get back into… in some way.