Ray Cochran writes:

So yesterday, I was nursing a hangover with a blood orange-and-champagne cocktail and surfing the web for deserted islands for sale. I Googled “private deserted islands for purchase” and once I got past all the dross – inflatable portable islands and how to build your own Volvo from scratch – I found some for about $800K! Not bad. See, I’m sort of feeling about Brangelina and Tomkat and all the rest the way Lucy and Ricky felt about Tennessee Ernie Ford. Remember the episodes when Ernie Ford came for a visit and overstayed his welcome? It’s all fun and funny and a perfectly delightful distraction until they start playing the banjo at four in the morning and getting stuck in the fold-out. So that’s how I’m starting to feel about all these celeb crazies. I just want everyone to pool their money and get to a deserted island, the Tennessee Ernie Ford equivalent of a bus ticket back to Bent Fork.

See, here’s when I hit my limit. I was on the internet minding my own business last week when I see a link for BRANDON DAVIS GOES POSTAL ON LINDSAY LOHAN!! You know, the one where he says really not nice things about Lohan while Paris Hilton giggles on the phone? By the way, who was she talking to on her cell phone? Her mother? Nancy Reagan? Nicole Richie from the bathroom at Souplantation? Anyway, so I clicked on the link to watch the video and – I’m not kidding you – before I could see how positively rococo Brandon Davis gets about Lindsay Lohan’s vagina, I had to watch a commercial for Honey Bunches of Oats.

– Ray Cochran