James St. James: So this is it. The last one. Tell me: What do you plan to do when you get out?
Michael Alig: (Nonchalantly) Oh, I don’t know.
Michael: Why, you want to see a movie or something?
Michael: No really, I have a very good idea, actually.
Michael: And this really something that’s do-able. You know, James, I will never be able to totally distance myself from clubland. I mean, you know that, right?
James: Well, you’ll also never be able to work in a nightclub or any place that serves alcohol. You can’t work at places with liquor licenses.
Michael: That’s not true. What it is, is I’m not allowed to put my name on a liquor license. So I’ll be like Steve Lewis. Steve Lewis can’t direct a club, or have his name on a liquor license, but he can be the “artistic advisor” or whatever he’s called. But that’s not my idea. My idea is to make some really, really cool underground movies with all of our friends (or whoever will be my friend when I come out) and make these movies, make them very cheap, and really sick and twisted like that BABY HATER movie that Laurie Pike made, that I read about in PAPER magazine.
James: (Slowly) So you’re going to make movies about people who hate babies?
Michael: No, no, no. In the vein of John Waters and FEMALE TROUBLE and DESPERATE LIVING and sick stuff like that. Then I’ll have premieres in, say, five or six or 10 major cities across the country (and maybe even across the world, in Berlin and London!), and take 10, 15, 20 of the stars of the movie to each of the premieres in each of the cities and have fabulous Hollywood-style red carpet premieres, with the klieg lights and everything! And the people, the fans, can come to the party afterwards and mingle with the stars of the movie! Don’t you think that would be fun?
James: (Complete and utter silence) So you want to take your club-kid friends and make movies about them, like little Warholian-type things….?
Michael: More John Waters.
James: Um, but you don’t know anything about movies or directing movies.
Michael: WELL, THAT’S THE WHOLE BEAUTY OF IT, JAMES! You know how the whole club-kid thing works! I don’t have to make the movies. It’s sort of like Andy Warhol and Paul Morrissey. Andy didn’t make the movies. Paul did.
James: So you’re going to find…
Michael: I’ve already found somebody! I’ve found a hundred people like that!
James: Jeeez – don’t get defensive. I’m just doing my duty, asking the questions….
Michael: I’M JUST SAYING!
James: So it will be like “Michael Alig Presents….”
Michael: Well, I will be there when they are actually made. I’m not going to distance myself from it. I’ll be in the room saying (in an odd Hungarian accent) “It should be taller, like a LIPSTICK! Like a POWDERPUFF!”
James: Is that a BRADY BUNCH reference?
Michael: That was Bibi Galini on the Brady Bunch. Remember Bibi?
James: Zsa Zsa right?
Michael: No it wasn’t, but it was somebody like Zsa Zsa. And she had that fag assistant, and she and her assistant were both in the same office, except they had two separate desks and two separate telephones, and whenever he needed to talk to her he had to pick up the phone and buzz her desk. And she would pick it up. And at one point one of her rivals called and he said, Bibi, so-and-so on line 5, and she said, Her I do not wish to speak to – hang up loudly.
James: We’re a little off point here.
Michael: Well, don’t you think it’s a good idea?
James: Sure, Michael, it’s a great idea.
Michael: I mean like REAL red carpet premieres!
James: I got it. Now are you still going to be working clubs, doing clubs, throwing parties?
Michael: Eventually I’ll do something. You’ve heard about what’s going on Mondays at Avalon, right?
James: No. what?
Michael: YOU DON’T KNOW?
James: No. You’re killing me. What?
Michael: Keoki! Boy George! Amanda! Richie! Tasty Tim! Sophia!
James: OMG! That’s so glamorous! Monday nights, though? Has that ever been done? How’s it going?
Michael: I don’t know, but I have spies going in and sending me pictures.
James: OK, OK, OK. Let’s keep it moving. Other than this, what other plans do you have?
James: And how do you plan to spend the rest of the time in prison? How much longer do you think you have?
Michael: Gosh, talk about not being interested in my answers. Disaffected! How rude!
Michael: (Big sigh) “Let’s get this over with!”
James: So, theoretically, you think you have a year left….
Michael: NO, WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? I see the parole board in two years and one month.
James: Two years and one month. What happens if you don’t make parole the first time?
Michael: Well, they can tell you anything. They can say come back in six months with no tickets and we’ll let you go home, or they’ll say take this program and come back in 12 months we’ll let you out. They can say anything. BUT they can only say no up to a certain point. They can only say no twice, basically.
James: What is the purpose of saying 10 to 20 then?
Michael: Well, if you get into trouble while you’re in jail.…
James: Have you been in any major trouble?
Michael: Not enough that they can keep me beyond the two times. I’m talking about something that would get you an extra charge, like stabbing someone. And I’ve been really good the last four years. Actually, I was just told yesterday that I’m eligible for the Honor Block, which is quite an achievement, I might add. It means, if I choose to go there, that I will go someplace where I have a microwave oven, and be able to cook… JAMES! are you even paying attention to me?
James: I’m sorry, I was IMDB-ing Zsa Zsa Gabor to see if she was on the Brady Bunch. What were you saying?
Michael: I’M TELLING YOU IT WASN’T HER! As I was saying, it’s a step up. I can have a microwave and pots and pans to cook, and have a refrigerator that I can keep food in and my cell is twice the size and it’s open all day long, and we have movies every day, and showers right there and we don’t have to come down to the gym for showers, so it’s a lot of privileges. The only thing is, this place is full of goody-two-shoes, everybody there is a snitch, so it’s like you’ve really got to be careful because every one is trying to be on their best behavior to get out.
James: Are you ever going to be able to take computer classes or anything? You realize when you get out you will be 10 years behind the rest of the world. Doesn’t that scare you?
Michael: They really don’t have anything like that.
James: Doesn’t it freak you out that before you went in, nobody really had cell phones, nobody was on the internet….
Michael: I think I’ll pick it all up pretty quickly.
James: Last question: You know, every day I fight the urge to wear a diaper and clown nose to work. I miss dressing up so much. When you get out, what are you going to wear? How are you going to dress? Forty is too old for club-kid looks.
Michael: I will probably do some sort of shirt-and-tie thing.
Michael: You know, some kind of new-wave-y/German/electroclash look.
James: I suppose. But then after 50, we can go back to drag, right?
Michael: Oh absolutely.