If you’re like me, when you heard that Paris Hilton was going to be gracing the cover of the October issue of Vanity Fair, you wondered what ON EARTH they could possibly tell us about her at this point that we didn’t already know, and what sort of revelation would possibly warrant a COVER STORY in the once-upper-middlebrow-now-hopelessly-tabloid-and-quite-suddenly-irrelevant magazine?
Well, it’s a doozy. Apparently SHE HAS A PENIS! Yes! It’s true! The girl is packing! That’s a tuck if I’ve ever seen one! SHE LOOKS LIKE FREAKIN’ CRISTIANO RONOLDO! Also, it seems she is so dull, so stupid, and so vacant that it took the combined gobbledegook of Camille Paglia and Naomi Wolf to make her even slightly interesting!
Graydon, Graydon, Graydon, it’s time to air out your office and stop hanging out with Fran Lebowitz. You’re losing your touch, babe.
– James St. James