Moye Ishimoto writes:

Monday, March 20th.

Mission: Agent Provocateur fashion show, LA Fashion Week

Location: Smashbox Studios, Culver City

Attire: Forever 21 top and Hollister jeans. Zara jacket. Franco Sarto heels on sale from DSW. (No better way to make an anti-fashion statement than to show up at Fashion Week in cheap clothes that don’t exactly match. But I knew that regardless of what I wore, I’d still look less fug than Kimberly Stewart. OH!)

5:00PM: Realize that I have to go to the show. It’s for work. Steven Corfe declines to attend, since he states it’s too “heterosexual.” Whatever.

6:00PM: Go home and change.

7:30PM: Watch an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Hey, this show is pretty funny.

8:15PM: Drive in the pouring rain to Culver City and pick up my hot friend, Anne, who is never too “heterosexual” for me.

8:30PM: Arrive at the Smashbox Studios. Almost throw up at the line of cars to be valeted. Rain still pours.

8:45PM: Enter the lobby area and instantly feel either too underdressed or unhip or out of place. Wish I had sewn pieces of denim and leather together into a bolero jacket like the girl in front of me. NOT. There’s also a strange lady next to us in line who is dragging leopard-print luggage with her. OK? Note to self that white girls should never get dreads.

8:50PM: A very pregnant Josie Maran enters and all the camera flashes go off. Why? It’s just Josie. Remember her from all of those Cover Girl ads in YM magazine? Apparently someone knocked her up.

8:55PM: Make way over to the line to enter the show room. See fellow WOWers and try to cut but this stupid old hag tries to stop us. Bitch. I totally pull out some awesome ninja moves and beat the crap out of her for trying to disrespect me. Or not. I actually just sneak in line when she’s not looking. But I totally could have if I totally wanted to.

9:15PM: Finally almost inside the main show room. Various members for this season of Project Runway get to cut in line. Bastards! Oh well, I guess this is their scene. Also see Carmen Electra and Cher. Damn, Cher. Just let your skin die already.

9:25PM: Finally almost at our seats. I get excited because I’m RIGHT BEHIND Carmen Electra. Courtney Love is a couple of seats down from her. Low and behold, so is Kimberly Stewart. Yes, I definitely look way less fug than her.

9:30PM: Momentarily blind because of all the camera flashes around me. Wait, me? No, Carmen Electra. She poses in her (and I know this, ’cause I heard her say it at least 50 times) vintage Marc Jacobs polka-dot dress. Very cute. Wait, how can Marc Jacobs be vintage? Some foreign reporter asks Carmen, “What are you taking?” She’s confused (understandably) because the lady just wants to know what she’s wearing but who says “taking?” Carmen nicely answers her, and then turns to her friend and goes “What? Taking? Yeah, I’m taking heroin.” They giggle. I spend the next five minutes thinking about calling Star or Us Weekly to tell them that Carmen is a heroin junkie (again). Oh, the power!!! But I can’t, because the show is about to begin!

9:45PM: See Christina Aguilera and her hubby across the runway. Wow, she looks just like she does in the paparazzi photographs. That is not her real hair. And that other lady on the other side looks really familiar. (I later realize that this is Rebecca DeMornay. Hmm.)

9:50PM-9:51PM: The fashion show! Seriously, that’s how long the show went on for. I guess there’s only so many kinds of lingerie you can design for a single collection. But, damn, these girls are HOT. Everything is adorably cute or just plain hot. There’s the French lace collection, followed by a drool-worthy sailor-style collection (want!!), followed by a black dominatrix line and then the rest is all a blur. I remember seeing lots of pasties and some occasional boobs. I see that there are some girls out there with smaller boobs than me. YES!!!

10:00PM: It’s over. Serena Rees comes on stage to greet the applause. Then everyone leaves. Jump on the catwalk just because everyone else is and I’ve never been on a runway before. Wish Tim Gunn was here to tell me to “make it work.”

10:15PM: Finally get the courage to ask Anthony Kiedis to take a picture with Anne. Wow, his face is ravaged. Don’t do drugs, kids. Also don’t compose really annoying songs about doing drugs that anyone can pick out on the guitar and get stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

10:30PM: Wait 20 minutes in the pouring rain for the valet to pick up my car. I see a really cool Bentley and Rolls Royce drive by. I can’t wait until I get my own.

11:00PM: In bed. Yawn.

– Moye Ishimoto