If you think you see Michael Musto on television as a talking head so often (and often in the same outfit) the shows must be repeats of ones you’ve already seen, you’d be wrong. Shockingly, they’re not repeats: It really is Musto every time. “I can barely summon the energy to speak anymore unless there’s a big ol’ camera pointed at my face,” he says in his La Dolce Musto column today. “I won’t even talk to my mother because she’s almost never accompanied by a crew.” He confesses he’s a soundbite whore, albeit one who’s not paid. He lists the eight points of TV talk-show slutdom. Here are two:

4. Don’t think your volunteer status makes you an independent agent. One channel recently bristled when I turned up on a vaguely similar show on another channel, so they’re vengefully freezing me out! I wonder if the same policy applies to the real charity world. (“Sorry, we can’t use you anymore here at God’s Love We Deliver. We hear you were sneaking food to the homeless over the weekend!”)

7. Unlearn all the TV sexuality training of the last several decades and carry on as if you’ve got a gerbil up your ass and a KYLIE album waiting at home. Gay is cool now. Queers are the new Latins. You can be a flaming fag—in fact, for the next five minutes they’d love you to be one, even if you’re not gay. So flail those wrists and say “hel-leaux.” You’re a star, girl!