
4. Don’t think your volunteer status makes you an independent agent. One channel recently bristled when I turned up on a vaguely similar show on another channel, so they’re vengefully freezing me out! I wonder if the same policy applies to the real charity world. (“Sorry, we can’t use you anymore here at God’s Love We Deliver. We hear you were sneaking food to the homeless over the weekend!”)
7. Unlearn all the TV sexuality training of the last several decades and carry on as if you’ve got a gerbil up your ass and a KYLIE album waiting at home. Gay is cool now. Queers are the new Latins. You can be a flaming fag—in fact, for the next five minutes they’d love you to be one, even if you’re not gay. So flail those wrists and say “hel-leaux.” You’re a star, girl!