Moye Ishimoto writes:

Please bear with me for a moment. I’m going through a small identity crisis. Actually, that’s not the right word for it. More like a what-the-fuck-is-going-on crisis.

See, it all stems from my name. I’ve spent the past 24 years telling people how to pronounce my name, how to spell it, where it comes from, and Why, thank you, I think it’s a cool name, too. It won’t ever end. You can’t even spell it in English with its proper Japanese pronunciation (or else I would be Moe, one of the Pep Boys) so my parents just tacked on a “Y” in the middle to make it even more confusing (thanks, Mom). On the first day of elementary school, the teacher wrote “Moya” on my pink name tag. At my last job, someone addressed me as “Moesh Meadows” for about a week, and even yesterday I got a letter in the mail for a “Maye.”

Hello, people, is an ethnic name really that hard to deal with?!

So just now, I learned that my name is a recent otaku (aka hardcore anime fan) popularity (aka obsession) with a specific genre of anime characters. In other words, “moe” (or “moye”) represents those insanely adorable, cute, innocent, giant-eyed anime girls that pimply-faced nerds ultimately jerk off to. I would explain more, but I’m too upset.

Anyway, the evolution of my crisis went something like this:

First, I read this about a new female otaku cafe in Japan (gross), but the phrase “moe affection” caught my eye, because that’s how you’re really supposed to say my name. But what is this “moe affection” they speaketh of? So then I found this (Wikipedia knows everything!) and almost threw up in my mouth. Then, I thought, what does Google have to say about this? So I found this, plus this, and then this, and then stopped for a moment, since I was feeling a little nauseous, but then discovered this gem of a t-shirt (which I coincidentally have a jacket version of, because my mom bought it for me in Japan. Thank god I haven’t worn it out yet).

And so there you go. It’s official again: My parents hate me and the nerds are ruining my life. I’m taking any suggestions for new names right now. Something generic, bland, and easy to spell (as well as pronounce). Thoughts?

(Btw, did you hear about our WOW Cheerleading Squad?? Go WOW go!)

– Name withheld by request