1. The type of guy who seems really nice but disagrees with you sometimes! You are a princess, and you don’t need that!!
2. The type of guy who is dead! He always wants to spend the night in because he can no longer move! Boring!!!!
3. The type of guy who is a literal dog! If you ever try to go out with him, everyone will tell you to put your date on a leash! So embarrassing!!
4. The type of guy who is your own reflection after you’ve drawn a mustache on the bathroom mirror. He has too many zits — and so much self-loathing!!!
5. The type of guy who is a washing machine! Sure, he’ll get you off — but it’s so hard to actually get him into bed!!!
6. The type of guy who works at the Starbucks on Prospect and Vermont Monday through Thursday 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. who is named Dave Chillings-Brown and who also will not give you your copy of The Firm back because he says it was a gift even after you explain that just because you put it in wrapping paper and gave it to him doesn’t mean that you didn’t buy it and therefore own it!!!
7. The type of guy who is a pile of wooden pallets out by a dumpster! If there’s one thing we all know about wooden pallets by a dumpster, it’s that they only want you for sex!!!!
8. The type of guy who is a stoplight! He’ll be all like, “Let’s do this!” but then just when you’re getting started, he tells you to slow down — and then stop! But then he’ll be like “Let’s do this!” again! Confusing!!! And why is he always in the middle of the street?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
9. The type of guy who is the ghost of your grandfather! It’s still incest even if he has no corporeal form!!!!
10. The type of guy who is a bag of mice! Sure, you can feed him to a snake!!! But can you take him to meet your mom?!?!?! (Only if she likes bags of mice!!!!!!)
11. Bonus 11th type!!!! The type of guy who likes you!!!!! If he likes you, it’s too easy!!!!! Spit in his face/get it gurrrrrrrl!!!!!