Macaulay Culkin Reprises His Home Alone Role – Revealing How Messed Up Kevin McCallister Grows Up to Be

A scraggly-but-still-eminently-doable Macaulay Culkin appears in the premiere episode of the new web series :DRYVRS – created by and starring Jack Dishel of Only Son/The Moldy Peaches – which chronicles one man’s strange encounters with ride-share drivers. On his first journey, he’s picked up by a grown-up Kevin McCallister from the Home Alone series. And these days he is one mighty fucked-up dude. WOW. See, after being left alone AT AGE EIGHT by a heartless mother (TWICE!), he’s got some, um, lingering psychological issues.

“It’s fucking Christmas time, and your whole family goes on vacation, right?” he says. “And they forget their 8-year-old fucking son… all by yourself, in the house, for a week. I had to fend off my house from two psychopath home invaders. I mean, I still have nightmares about this bald, weirdo dude chasing me around, talking like Yosemite Sam. ‘I’m gonna pull your fingernails out! I’m gonna get you, you little scamp!’” Even more unnerving, the thieves didn’t even curse, instead just calling him “‘louse’ and shit like that.” I mean, how could my parents have forgotten the cutest fucking 8-year-old in the universe, by far.”

Then things get reeeeeeeeally dark when a carjacker tries to steal the car at gunpoint. “You picked the wrong car, my friend,” Kevin says.

Watch Macaulay destroy your childhood below.