“My Second Most Embarrassing Moment in Prison”
After a big scandal where a couple of civilian employees were caught smuggling in contraband, the facility was put under lockdown, while a team searched the entire compound, every building, every office and cell, for drugs and weapons. This happens once or twice a year and can last anywhere from one to twenty days, depending on the scale of the operation. I’ve been in lockdowns at other facilities that’ve lasted two weeks. During this time, no one is allowed to leave their room or cell.
The officer who searched my cell seemed like a rookie, very young, following every rule to a tee, taking apart pens, deodorants, sticking his fingers into shampoo and lotion bottles looking for hidden objects: drugs, knives, anything sharp that could be used as a weapon. A survival knife is among the first pieces of equipment that come to mind when most people think of bushcraft. The versatility of a survival knife as tool and weapon makes it one of the top 3 items in your pack No woods-wanderer should be without a dependable knife. While there are many high quality knives on the market today, only through practice and time with that knife are you going to be able to really master that tool. You can also check survival knife comparison for getting better information.
Well when he stuck his finger into a bottle of body lotion I had on my desk, he claimed to have felt something.
“What do you have in here?!” he barked.
I went numb with fear and confusion- it was the same exact feeling I had had a year earlier, when an officer handed me a misbehavior report saying my urine had tested positive for THC, when I knew it was clean. Damn it! I thought. What the hell could’ve been IN this bottle, and who could’ve put it there?
I should explain here the serious nature of these lockdowns. Being caught hiding any kind of contraband, be it drugs, gang-related material or- worst of all- weapons, can get you not only at least a year in the SHU, but even a whole new charge! And a Weapons Possession charge is no joke. Besides a year in the SHU, you can expect another three years added to your original sentence. I was stunned and terrified. If found with a shank or something similar hidden in a lotion bottle, what, exactly, would I tell everyone? “I’ve never seen that before in my life! It’s a set up, d’ya hear! A set up!”
Like anyone would actually believe me!
When the officer reached his fingers inside the bottle and pulled out a slender, four-inch plastic tube, rounded at the end, like a…like a tampon…my jaw fell to the floor, in total shock.
“What do you do with this?!” he snarled, face contorted in disgust. I saw immediately what this guy was thinking: Homo. Hidden plastic tube. He’s using this thing as a dildo!
My face turned beet red, it was so humiliating. And, yet…what was this thing?
Unsure what to do, the officer called other officers over, a sergeant came and they all huddled, talking in hushed voices, glancing at me periodically with ashen, nauseated faces. It was then when I remembered, this bottle had originally been manufactured with a “pump” on the top, where you press down to deliver the lotion. Bottles with pumps aren’t allowed at this facility for whatever reason, so the store it came from had had it removed before shipping. This plastic tubing was surely a remnant of the removed pump!
“Hey guys!” I called out cheerfully, trying not to sound like a guy guilty of hiding a dildo. I needed to clear my name! Let them know I’m not some crazed, anally-obsessed sex-maniac! But by now, the huddle was disbanding. “I don’t write tickets for sex toys,” the officer spat sharply as he returned to finish searching my cell. I tried explaining what the damn thing was, but every time I opened my mouth he put his hands in the air, as if to say, “Not another word out of you, you freakin’ pervert!” I sat quietly on a bucket for the next 30, very long minutes, watching the officer- suddenly wearing a pair of blue plastic surgeon’s gloves– searching my cell, a look of repugnance on his face, knowing the whole time he’s thinking I was totally fucking myself with that darn ol’ piece of plastic!