Having been off air for a couple of days, British Intelligence was looking forward to a triumphant return, determined to dazzle you with stories of eccentricity and humour.

But the UK is a bit miserable right now. Crime is up. We’re all reeling from your election. (What were you thinking!) It’s raining.

So today I bring you a tale from Thailand, land of smiles. Sky News is carrying pictures from the recent Miss International Queen Contest. The winner’s gorgeous, isn’t she? Well, yes and no – gorgeous, yes, she, no. And you thought Demi Moore’s surgeon was good.

[Ed. note: It’s raining? In England?]