Franz Ferdinand’s Alex Kapranos (left) has been ordered to sort his teeth out because the US market – yes you – will find them hard to handle. “I know they think we all look like Austin Powers but our look gives us character,” he said, refusing the orthodondist’s drill, and therefore forcing America to shield its eyes whenever he’s on the telly.
I never really knew there was a problem with us until Lisa Simpson was shown the Bumper Book of British Smiles, and I finally realised that the world believes I’m living in a nation of freaks. Please tell us – what is wrong with this man’s teeth? Because we like them. Surely, as a nation with a healthy proportion of dentists, we’re not that bad. Except Princess Anne, obviously. And Shane McGowan.
Anyway, it’s a known fact that it was actually us who made America white-teethed. Before WW2 your oral hygiene left a lot to be desired, but servicemen spread the use of toothbrushes when they went back home.
– Tim Hancock