Dear American friends,
Ive lost count, as Im sure have you, of the number of time Ive opened my writings with the words Dear American friends (DAF), not much happening in Britain today. . .” Well today, DAF, nothing could be further from the truth. The headlines are full of the sort of stuff that our favourite paper, The Sun, can litter with BOLD FACE. As indeed they have.
Where to begin? With the ROYAL WEDDING I hear you cry. All the details are out, and littering every front page across the globe. The Sun is covering it on pages 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 AND 11. He went down on one knee. They will honeymoon in Vegas. Kidding. (Wouldnt that be wonderful if they did?) They will honeymoon in Birkhall, the Scottish estate given to the prince by the Queen Mother. His sons have given their blessing. Hes set up a trust fund for her kids. She will be called the Duchess of Cornwall. Blah blah blah.
Dont get me wrong Im happy for them. Really. But I just dont care all that much. I have enough trouble getting excited when people I know get married why should I want to read pages and pages about people I dont know? Is that unpatriotic of me?
Now, if you want to know what does excite me, lets talk about THE BATTLE OF IKEA. Yes, you read that right. The story is that Ikea opened a new store in North London. Its easy to picture a dull suburban scene. But Ikea, for some strange reason I havent yet discovered, decided to open at midnight. They also offered some silly bargains on the first furniture sold. THOUSANDS of people turned up. Whole families went. They queued for up to 18 hours. The store was overwhelmed. People left their cars in the middle of a freeway to get as close as they could. There were stampedes, crushes, and even a stabbing as people fought over flatpack. See the disturbing pictures for yourself.
– Brit Brit aka Barry Shaverin
[Ed. note: Shaverin was the first to report – early yesterday morning – news of the royal nups, but an unfortunate technical mishap deleted it from the WOW Report. Our apologies to all parties.]