• Vegetarians have recently and scientifically been proven to be more intelligent than carnivores, and now Madonna has been shamed by vegetarian Stella McCartney to stop allowing game to be shot on her estate.

• A pitbull puppy, possibly trying to nurse, gnaws the toes off one-month-old baby while parents sleep. That sucks.

• Paris Hilton (Satan spelled backwards), having failed in her concerted effort to ruin Britney Spears, begins taking Elisha Cuthbert under her fetid wing. (Egotastic!)

• The band may make for a delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, but phormer Phish phrontman Trey Anastasio, driving under the influence of hydrocodone, Percoset, and Xanax, leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

• Wheaton, Illinois, high school student spikes a container of ranch dressing in the cafeteria with his own semen, an act considered aggravated battery. No word on whether his jism improved the flavor.