Photo by Jake Thompson
I (finally) saw The Revenant last night and it was (hard-to-watch) awesome.
If you’re like me, you peeped the three hour experience from behind your hands because – fair warning – it’s hard to stomach. Here’s my five tips for making it through the other side of the woods (and not vomming).
5) Don’t Eat Beforehand
Seriously. If you take away one tip from this survival pack, THIS is the one. Unless that happy meal you had before can handle all sorts of gore, rape, and more gore, than I would pay close attention to this step. If you’re a vegetarian like myself, you may not be able to even sit through the whole thing.
4) Bill Weasley Is Only A Blink Away
3) The Tongue Scene Is Actually The Toothbrush Scene From Bring It On
It’s true. That cute catch-snowflakes-on-your-tongue moment can literally be swapped out for the toothbrush scene in Bring It On.
The entire movie is like Leo fighting/working with mother nature, but like, how much can one person take?! For every snow avalanche or terrifying rapid river sequence, just remember that the movie is STUNNING and like an Ansel Adams painting come to life.
Also, just when your stomach lining can barely survive that sleeping-in-horse scene (I know, right?) Just make this:
Be THIS in your mind:
1) Trade The Bear For A T-Rex
Congrats to your digestive track because you’ve made it to the final step! When that infamous bear scene starts and you’re screaming to your insides “Bloody Mary!,” just imagine the bear is the T-Rex from Jurassic Park and it sort of separates reality from fantasy (sort of).
This post is approved by General Hux (is coincidentally is Bill Weasley as well):