Omg, BEST MOVIE EVER! I’m TOTALLY SERIOUS! Not because of the plot. Or the acting. Or the special effects. All of which were just WHATEVER. I’m talking BOYS and OUTFITS, of course. Yay!Yay!Yay! First of all, it takes place in a land populated almost entirely with SWARTHY HUNKS and NO WOMEN. Well, one woman. One lone female character amongst thousands and thousands of hot, sweaty, Persian men. And you get the feeling the only reason she’s there is so that the movie won’t be rated “GAY PORN” – which it so totally is. And JAKEY! OMG! Jake Jizz-‘N-Balls DOES NOT DISAPPOINT! Somehow Disney managed to make him look EXACTLY LIKE A CARTOON CHARACTER COME TO LIFE (which is a GOOD thing). He has those big, moist eyes and the fluttery eyelashes and the chiseled cheekbones etc. SO CUTE! And well-dressed! He somehow manages to have all new strappy leather accessories and he-man breastplates and hipster scarves and big man-jewelry and naval-exposing shirts and tunics in EVERY SCENE (seriously, where IS he finding all this fashion in the middle of the desert?), while the poor princess is stuck in the same white dress THE ENTIRE MOVIE. And if THAT’S not proof the costume designer was designing for a gay audience, I’ll eat my fez. (A side note on all those hipster scarves: Well, it’s just INGENIOUS the way he drapes them into various hoods and headwraps and turbans and pashminas at the drop of a hat. If ONLY the Silverlake hipsters were as inventive, amiright? Enough with the European Loop! From now on, look to this movie as your inspiration!) My absolute FAVORITE part of the movie though, was Jake’s perfectly ROTTEN accent. Somewhere in that big, beautiful bobblehead of his he confused “Persian Prince” with “Cockney Flower Girl,” bless his heart, and the result is SO ENDEARING, that you just forget all about his cute cowboy twang from Brokeback, and wish he talked British ALL THE TIME. Oh! Oh! And have we talked about his brother, Prince Garsiv? Played by Tony Kebbell? Who should NEVER EVER EVER NOT DRESS LIKE A PERSIAN PRINCE? Now there’s a guy I’d like to find in Vaseline Alley! And what about Jake’s lover, Bis? Reece Ritchie? OMGOMGOMGOMG! That hair! Those dimples! Seriously, faggots, YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED IN THIS MOVIE.
You are here: / / Homo at the movies: Prince of Persia