“I am the best
I predicted Apple’s stock would fall
I will build a great, great wall
I build buildings that are 94 stories tall
My hands – are they small?”
POTUS has unwittingly produced a book of poetry. He charmingly, bodaciously has let us know his talent with this paean to verse:
“I know words … I have the best words!”
He may be right; and I never thought I would ever say that.
The scourge of transcribers and translators across our pretty planet, Trump wields his lively, if limited, vocabulary like a whack-a-mole. A regular Dylan Thomas, his babbling has brought us: bigly, covfefe, and braggadocious, and magical lands like Nambia. He invented the term “priming the pump”, and invented the word “fake”. When he stated that “Russia must be laughing up their sleeves”, he was being poetic.
Not one for rhyming couplets or iambic pentameter, his odes have short sentences artfully lifted from speeches, Tweets, and interviews and then edited by McSweeney’s Rob Sears in a new collection, The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump. The new tome, released today gives readers: “Little known alternative fact that the 45th President, Donald J. Trump, has long been a remarkable poet.”
Noted fiction and comedy writer Sears hopes to bring attention to what the literary world has ignored and show that the president is “no fabulous whiner” when it comes to the beauty and rhythms of the English language. He is a 21st century version of W.H. Auden, John O’Hara, and Walt Whitman put into a word blender, but without the gay and with tiny hands.
Sears explains in the introduction to his groundbreaking collection:
“The greatest misapprehension about DJT corrected by this volume, however, may be the idea that he sees money and power as ends in themselves. In fact, just as Wilfred Owen turned his wartime experiences into poetry, and Slyvia Plath found the dark beauty in her own depression, Trump is able to transform his unique experiences of being a winner into 24-karat verse. He didn’t build a huge real-estate empire for the billions; he did it so he could write poems…”
Sears has valiantly cut and pasted POTUS’s pronouncements into “a trove of beautiful verse waiting to be discovered”.
Here are just a few of the many delights waiting to be discovered in The Beautiful Poetry Of Donald Trump:
Well, we’ve had some disasters, but this is the worst
I’ve known some bad dudes
I’ve been at parties
They want to do serious harm
I’ve seen and I’ve watched things like with guns
I know a lot of tough guys but they’re not smart
We’re dealing with people like animals
But they are the folks I like the best—by far!
I am the least racist person there is
I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks
I remained strong for Tiger Woods during his difficult period
Oprah, I love Oprah. Oprah would always be my first choice
Kanye West—I love him
I think Eminem is fantastic
And most people think I wouldn’t like Eminem
And did you know my name is in more black songs
Than any other name in hip-hop?
You are the racist, not I
I respect women, I love women, I cherish women
Vagina is expensive
No more apologies—take the offensive!
Hot little girl in high school
I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high IQ)
Just think, in a couple of years I’ll be dating you
It must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees
Come here, I’ll show how life works. Please.
We’ve got to stop the stupid
You know what uranium is, right?
It’s a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like lots
Of things that are done with uranium including some bad things
I have to explain this to these people
They don’t even understand basic physics, basic mathematics,
Whatever you call it
I mean, they’re like stupid
Look at the way I’ve been treated lately
I should have been TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year
Just like I should have gotten the Emmy for The Apprentice
I should have easily won the Trump University case
I should have won New York State
But I didn’t
I unfairly get audited by the I.R.S. almost every single year
No politician in history—and I say this with great surety—
Has been treated worse or more unfairly
The Beautiful Poetry Of Donald Trump by is published by Canongate. Here is the link to Amazon, you could have your copy by tomorrow.