These are the top-10 TiVo rewind moments from the Oscar party I attended yesterday:

1. J-Lo’s face on the red carpet as some ABC numpty tells her it’s good of her to come, as she “doesn’t have to attend every year.” Way to remind a gal she’s never been nominated!

2. Reese Witherspoon on the red carpet. Look, someone’s hand just reached into shot to pouf up her hair!

3. Wait, did Ellen just call Penelope Cruz Mexican? Oh. Maybe not.

4. Will Smith’s eight-year-old boy just fucked up his lines! That kid needs a new publicist.

5. Did someone really just holler “Get off!” during Ennio Morricone’s honorary Oscar acceptance speech in Italian?

6. Kate Winslet’s confused expression and glance at the camera during the above Italian acceptance speech, versus Gwyneth Paltrow’s nodding smiling pretense at understanding.

7. Jodie Foster’s entrance. She walked to the wrong side of the stage, hee hee!

8. The Pilobolus shadow dancers’ gun shooting something across the stage. A ball? A dancer? A testicle?

9. Freeze-framing the exact millisecond where Peter O’Toole realizes he will never win for Best Actor. Did he actually just give up and die right there in his chair?

10. Is Clint Eastwood’s wife jerking him off during Martin Scorsese’s acceptance speech??

– Steven Corfe